Pobrecita. smh.

i have  a friend. a girl i’ve know for 6-7 years. she’s incredibly intelligent, and very beautiful. well she dated a guy briefly and broke up with him, “he’s a dick.” she told me. she went back to him (i didn’t ask at this point), moved in with him (she lived a few hours away), and ended up with him for 3 years. she recently broke up with him. i’ve made an effort to keep in touch with her more often.

oh trust me, she KNOWS how badly i want to get her pregnant. back to the lady.

so she dumped dude (righteously) and i learn he was pretty abusive. i won’t go to the extent of the abuse, but i will say…..if she were my sister, i’d put his head through fucking wall. she even dumped a really decent guy to be with “the dick”. dude was devastated and it caused a bit of a stir in our little internet family.

well, i was talking with her the other night and she informs me a “friend” is coming in to see her. the “friend” is married, and she’s VERY into him. *sigh* now get this, IMMEDIATELY after mentioning he’s married she states, in the same sentence, “i really know to pick them, don’t i?” this woman’s hamster is the size of the Kraken. she went  on to tell me she was going to see it through to be sure it’s “the real deal.” i just shook my head.

i replied, “baby, he’s fucking married, he’s going to cheat on you too.”

i told her i was posting about her situation on my blog and she gave me permission. i gave her the web address and told her to stop by and read it. Sweetheart, if you’re reading this, i want you to realize the peeps that post here are just like the baggers, they are BRUTALLY honest. i have married readers of both genders, as well as single men and women.

i’d LOVE you guys to chime in on my darling’s relationship quandary. and i’m serious guys, i’m amazed a woman as smart and drop dead cool/beautiful as she is will allow herself to be in her current situation. and i WILL get her to come down to new orleans to play with me. lol.

thoughts?

[edit- i find it interesting that this girl, if she had a friend of her’s that were doing what she’s doing, would completely advise against being involved with the married guy. like i said, EPIC hamster.]


42 Comments on “Pobrecita. smh.”

  1. Beej says:

    Let me help you, dude. She will continue to amaze you, cause the day that doesn’t surprise you is the day you are in with her. She might be cool and beautiful on the outside, but that doesn’t change the fact that she’s a traitorous cheating skank scumbag on the inside.

    Beauty is only skin deep; you cannot judge a person based on appearances alone if the person might be kind and nurturing. Fortunately you CAN judge based on her actions, and she seems like a reeeaal winner…

    Don’t get me wrong, i’m sure she would be great to date and share some genuinely exciting and passionate times with. But its like playing football without cleats on; might be fun and liberating now, but you know your foot is going to be squashed and you are going to fucking hurt. LIKE HELL.

  2. If they will cheat with you, they will cheat on you.

    If you cheat with a married guy, it means you don’t respect marriage. Which means no guy that knows you fucked a married guy, should ever marry you because you’re a bad bet.

    She’s just a pump and dump.

    .

  3. danny you give us a scenario but don’t give us enough information — namely, her age.

    i have a theory:

    any reasonably attractive girl who is not married by 30 is missing a chip in her brain, the man-picking chip. because i have kept track of female friends over the years, and damn if some not so cute girls have gotten married! i think, jesus christ, why would any dude want to marry her, but they do.

    i guess guys need love and affection as much as girls do.

    clearly, men even now are willing to get married, wanting to get married, to a nice girl, a good girl, etc.

    SO

    so if “very beautiful” girl is not married — i am guessing she is in her 30s? — is not married, was in an abusive relationship, and now is dating a married man, not only does she have a chip missing, she has a VERY big chip missing.

    reminds me of that blogger ashleee, who was really attractive, but was always picking the asshole, fucking the asshole, getting cheated on by the asshole, etc etc — some girls are NEVER going to get married. they just have that chip missing. they just constantly pick the wrong guy.

    it’s like, if a guy is nice to her and wants to treat her right, and wants to respect her and adore her and take care of her — RED FLAG. a red flag goes off, and she has to dump him. SHE HAS TO. or cheat on him.

    the girl i was seeing jeanette, was kind of like that.

    i’m telling you — you see a really attractive girl in her 30s, never married, forget about it. maybe she has daddy issues.

    divorced is a different story.

  4. Jack Dublin says:

    The main problem with cheating was already stated. Namely, if they’ll cheat with you, they’ll cheat on you. The second problem is the fact that the emotional turmoil of the split/divorce and everything that goes with it, (lawyers,court hearings,kids,alimony,etc.) will almost certainly destroy the relationship anyway. Athol did a full post on this around the end of august.

    So, damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

    Oh, and as a bonus other women will refer to you as a slut/home wrecker.

  5. dogsquat says:

    This might be the only way a guy who’s not a blood relative can reasonably wake up a gal before she makes a bad choice.

    Listen up, Sweetheart. Here’s a little class in psychology:

    “I really know how to pick them…”

    Sometimes defining what is going on can help you compensate for it better. This is especially important when dealing with nebulous things like emotions and desires. It’s gluing sandpaper to a slippery, KY covered dildo – helps you get ahold of the thing, like.

    I hope you carefully consider the following definition:

    Repetition Compulsion – Repetition compulsion is an inherent, primordial tendency in the unconscious that impels the individual to repeat certain actions, in particular, the most painful or destructive ones.

    Now I’m speculating a lot here. I might not be 100% right – I fully acknowledge that. At the same time, I’m going to be stating some unpleasant things. The common reaction when faced with this situation is to try and wiggle out of it – to look for the things that are incorrect, focus on them, and use them to justify ignoring the rest of what is said. Try not to do that. We’re just talking generalities here – if you keep that in mind, you’ll probably find some part that does, in fact, apply to you.

    Women that “end up” with several crappy guys are often trying to resolve issues from their pasts. This happens a lot with women who marry alcoholics. Once you get to talking with them, you find out that their daddy was a drunk, too. Same goes for women who are attracted to abusive types – often they got beat on a bit as a kid, or saw mom get beat on.

    One theory about this is that the girls with crappy families/poor attachment are trying to “win” the situation by getting in to a similar one. That is, they pick a guy who reminds them of their past. They then try and change the guy, or somehow resolve the situation in a better way than they were able to as a kid.

    Another theory is that women who had sub-optimal upbringings were somehow “overstimulated” as kids. There was a lot of chaos, fear, and pain at home. Then, when dad (or whoever) was sober/in a good mood/decided not to be a dick that day, the relief and happiness was overwhelming. This is “push-pull” writ large. These kids get used to huge swings in emotions, sometimes in the same hour. As a result, they get a kind of emotional callous.

    What does the second theory mean to that kid when she’s grown up?

    Well, she might get bored with regular dudes. A regular guy’s affection might not get through the callous. She doubts the regular guy’s affection, or never feels it in the first place. She seeks out a guy who can provide a high level of stimulation – peaks and valleys, fear and pain, relief and love. Something she can actually feel, something that absorbs her, something that occupies so much of her thought process that she is free from focusing on other aspects of her life.

    There might be a mix of the two things going on, too.

    These women are not stupid, any more than an addict or OCD or depressed person is. This stuff happens below the layer of conscious thought. It’s a biological drive, the same way sex and food and breathing is. You ever been hungry and stopped for unhealthy, shitty fast food? Even when you know in your head you can just go home and cook up something healthy in an hour or less? Same principle here – you know intellectually what to do, but your amygdala gets a vote too. The amygdala has even less ethics than any Mayor of Chicago you can name. It will always win, unless you beat that little fucker down.

    Hey – you might be fine and healthy. I don’t know. Danny only told us about two shitty guys. I know that when I’m standing at the urinal, two shakes is fine. I start going nuts with it, though – like five or ten or fifty shakes, then the dude at the next pisser is going to think I’m beating off.

    Don’t beat off, Sweetheart. You’ll go blind and have to shave your palms.

    • Lily says:

      I’ve just read this, very interesting stuff. Personally resonated with me a bit as my pa had quite big mood swings when I was growing up (though I doubt anyone would call my upbringing ‘sub optimal’ lol, unless vast majority of people’s upbringings are sub obtimal..which of course could well be the case lol)

      Just googled it & found this quite interesting article.
      http://www.voicelessness.com/repetition.html

  6. dogsquat says:

    I just thought of this one:

    One reason (among many) women get into relationships with married guys is the amount of control they have. The dude’s not going to end up sleeping over all the time, or borrowing her car for days in a row.

    It’s a handy way to be in a relationship, without all the mess of actually being in a relationship. There’s a definite barrier in place that prohibits too much closeness, and that makes things easy to compartmentalize.

    Not too healthy, IMO.

    Also, make goddamned sure the guy’s wife isn’t an astronaut. Those chicks are nuts. When they find out about you, they’ll put on diapers, drive 800 miles, and try and stab you at the airport. Or so I’ve read.

  7. dannyfrom504 says:

    oh, and for the record…..she DOES want to start a family someday.

  8. Jason says:

    That’s a very large pedestal you have built, Danny.

    Fix yourself before try to fix her bud.

    • dannyfrom504 says:

      Jason-
      Thanks for stopping by and commenting.

      Sorry, but no pedestal here brother. I simply said she’s intelligent, she’s very attractive, and cool. Which is true.

      Trust me Jason, the only women I tap dance for go by the moniker: “mother” and “sister”.

      Stay up.

    • yeah i have to agree. a million guys have the pedestal problem — i’m right in that group — but i don’t think danny does.

      although MAYBE — danny maybe you have feelings for this girl? you have talked about wanting something “real” instead of fucking all those hot bartenders you have been fucking — the ones with the amazing tits, etc.

      • dannyfrom504 says:

        i don’t deny being attracted to her.

        but again……this post wasn’t about me trying to change her or attract her or get her into bed. it was simply to point out something i’ve noticed in women. her hamster is EPIC, her being a good looking cool girl is a footnote to point out that she should have more confidence in herself. entiendes hermano? and i don’t know why you think i’m tagging a bunch of waitresses at the local. not the case bro. i FLIRT with them though. lol.

        the point of this post is to point out her behavior and how common it is with many women nowadays. and open a discussion among men with game, and women who may be married have to add to her situation.

        i have no doubt how this will turn out for her. honestly, i’d LOVE to see her in a healthy, stable LTR. i really hope she finds it.

      • Lily says:

        yup I agree think it’s closely linked to LSE and I don’t think broken or otherwise homes background is necessarily the be all and end all. Plenty of LSE women from ‘intact’ homes.

        She may be trying to replicate her past relationship in a way she gets the power (man leaves his wife for her). Or something to do with the dynamic between her parents. Or maybe she’s one of many children and there was a ‘pick me pick me’ thing going on.

        Caveat I’m not a psychologist.

  9. Lily says:

    To the girl

    Do you think you’re a good person? If so, even if it were the ‘real deal’ do you really want any sort of future, even a future of happiness which is built on the back of someone else’s misery?

    To get into the frame of mind, you could check out the forums of somewhere like survivinginfidelity.com

    Oh and try and get out of it before oxytocin comes into play (just actual sex) as that will have an impact on whether you think it’s a real deal or not.

  10. Lily says:

    To danny and the girls other friends, get her out and about and meeting some of the cool and sexy guys that are literally all around.
    I’ve always found distraction therapy highly effective.

  11. Looking Glass says:

    If her hamster is “epic”, that probably explains most of the problem. She’s rationalizing every whim that’s coming up. She *wants* something from these relationships, none of which seems to be “good”. People don’t willingly do things they don’t get something out of. Especially not something as serious as a relationship.

    This means she wants the destruction. There can be a lot of reasons for why, but that can’t be well figured out from this far disconnected. Just that you *act* in a way to get something that will destroy you. That is your paradox and, if not fixed, it *will* destroy you eventually.

    • dannyfrom504 says:

      LG-
      i admit, i need to call her and find out more about her. i don’t know as much about her background as i should before making judgements as to her motives. i have a VERY keen intuition, but my insight as to her personal backstory is limited.

  12. ASF says:

    Woman reads comments on blog and completely changes her behavior and belief system. In other news, the Pope has converted to Judaism.

  13. Susan Walsh says:

    This means she wants the destruction. There can be a lot of reasons for why, but that can’t be well figured out from this far disconnected. Just that you *act* in a way to get something that will destroy you. That is your paradox and, if not fixed, it *will* destroy you eventually.

    This was my take on it as well. Tolerates abuse, selects a married man, and laughs about it. As much as she might think she wants a healthy relationship, she avoids them. It’s not a very pretty prognosis, and well beyond our ability to solve here. I urge her to do some serious soul and head searching, preferably with the help of a pro.

    • dannyfrom504 says:

      Thank you Susan.

      now quit posting recipes and stealing my thunder. lol.

    • dogsquat says:

      I’ve seen girls who know they’re screwed up do the married man thing before, just like you’re saying.

      Another technique I’ve seen is the long-distance relationship that doesn’t have an end in sight. Lots of girls who date military men or prisoners are like this.

      There are impenetrable boundaries there, set down by some asshole Sergeant or distance, time, and money. I think that allows the girls to have a relationship at arms length – self protective behavior in a way, but flawed, flawed, flawed.

  14. Bellita says:

    When I was in college, I knew a girl who was also having an affair with a married man and liked to laugh about it. I think she thought it made her special.

    After my roommate and I got to know her better, we tried talking with her, to convince her to get out of the relationship. (Predictably, our “It’s better to be alone than to be with a jerk” message did not go down well.)

    What made the biggest impression was her belief that what she was doing was okay because it was what “anyone” would do if they fell in love with a married man. She told my roommate and me that if we were ever in her position, we would fall just as hard and act exactly as she was acting.

    She really believed that all women in the world would, in her place, engage in the affair . . . and that was why she didn’t think it was any use arguing about what people “should” or “should not” do. She was convinced this was what they “would” do. She had a very low standard for herself and she projected it onto everyone else. To her, the moral high ground was a myth propagated by people who had never been tested or who were just no fun.

    Does this sound familiar to you, Danny, or is there a whole other thought process going on in your friend’s mind?

    • dannyfrom504 says:

      Bell-

      i don’t know. i can’t speculate, i don’t have girly bits and my thought process is more rationale.

      i just wanted to post on this as to maybe give her some insight, i really doubt it will do much, but for the sake of “sphere” learning……i thought it was a worthy and learnable topic for discussion. women make decisions like this ALL THE TIME. then they shake their heads as to how they managed to get burned.

    • dogsquat says:

      Bell, that is a true tyranny of low expectations. Poor girl. People of high integrity don’t often associate for long with low integrity folks. I predict a lifetime of betrayal headed that girl’s way.

  15. Mary says:

    About the dick:
    First, I sympathize. If being treated like shit is what someone is fully or even partially used to, it seems like they’ll make more excuses for being with a terrible person. And IMO, the only–ONLY–reason why people like that guy end up in relationships is because there’s an endless supply of women who keep going back for the abuse. So good job that she dumped him. If she could have dumped him in a way that involved fire, then, you know, cool.

    About the married guy:
    I’d like to include a quote here that I’m fond of: “If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you must remember that you have married a a man who cheats on his wife.” Put “get involved with” where “married” is and you’re set.
    Married men may emotionally cheat, or they may physically cheat–sometimes because they’re unhappy (and for chrissake, don’t try to “fix” that with a relationship because you can’t), sometimes just because they don’t respect their commitments in the first place. YMMV. You don’t want to be someone’s emotional crutch or their woman on a string because they don’t want to deal with what’s going on in their marriage/himself/whatever.
    It’s a virtual guarantee that he is not expecting her to be the love of his life or anything “real.” He is expecting her to be convenient. When she stops being convenient…

    If she is actually noticing the hallmarks or signs that the guy she’s interested in is standing at the end of a road marked Bad News–Cliff Ahead, then what alarms me is that she’s also making a conscious decision to go running down that road full tilt. Sooner or later, that cliff edge is going to be right under her feet, and I’d bet money that Lover-Boy ain’t going to try to catch her.
    Noticing the right signs and turning away to another road saves you so much wasted effort in the long run.

    She sounds like a really lovely person, which is why I’m astonished that she (seems to) think that shitty relationships are all she deserves. My God, woman. You can do better. And you deserve to be with someone who will actually love you, be faithful to you, and treat you right.

    • dogsquat says:

      Mary, I agree with everything you say, except for the “deserve” part. That is dangerous language.

      See, if you deserve something, that means you are entitled to it. If you are entitled to something, somebody is supposed to give it to you.

      That thought process cuts out any and all work. If you want a good relationship with a high quality person, then you’d better bring something to the table. Most often, that means you’ve gotta do some work. I work to stay in shape and to better my career, so I can be a good looking guy who can provide (or help provide) for my girl. Shit’s hard, sometimes.

      If I sat back and said “I deserve an attractive, smart, funny woman with good morals!” but I got fat and was poor and depressed – well, that ain’t right, is it? Who’s gonna deliver me my proto-Susan, my proto-Stephenie, my proto-Bb? Would you hold a gun to Bellita’s head so she didn’t dump me if we were dating?

      Knowhamsayne?

      Like I said, though – the rest of your post was steel on target. If I was on trial, I’d want you sitting in the jury box.

      • Bellita says:

        Re: “deserve”

        I think I know what Mary means, and it’s a meaning that we’ll get to keep with a slight change in terms.

        I’d recommend the expression “owe it to yourself.” A woman owes it to herself to be with someone who will actually love her, be faithful to her, treat her properly, etc. Not because she is entitled to it for whatever reason, but because she recognizes that she should have higher standards and that she is the only moral agent who can hold herself to those standards.

      • dogsquat says:

        Understood and agreed with, Bellita.

    • dannyfrom504 says:

      thanks mary. i agree.

      and yes, aside from her “man-choosing” skills, she’s a decent…all around decent woman.

  16. […] in response to a recent comment I discovered about me on another blog, I wanted to say this:  You might have been right.  There […]

  17. […] wrote this on danny’s blog (as romeo) — thinking of our dear ashleee — and you know what, it […]


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