Momma’s Boy

I got to work and had this little exchange on FB IM. 

Her-
"Are you close with your mom."

Me- 
"Why??? :/

Her-

http://glo.msn.com/relationships/what-his-relationship-with-his-mom-says-about-him-6942.gallery?gt1=49006

I read the article. Firstly....it's written by 2 WOMEN. Smh. Secondly, 
a few of the explanations were insulting. To me, this sums up EVERYTHING I need to
know from the first slide:

"Ah, men and their mothers. It's a bond we may not fully understand until we
birth sons ourselves. In the meantime, we'll keep busy by examining how the
men in our lives interact with their mothers, in order to glean more info on
their overall character. Here's a guide to help your guy analysis."

So....these 2 Dummies don't even HAVE sons, yet they want to spout out
mother-son relationship analysis. Die in a Fire. I wonder how many women
reading MSN are going to take this advice as Dogma.

Me-
"To answer your question: YES. I'm close with ALL of my immediate family
with the exception of my father. Secondly this article is mostly bullshit.
Some is down-right insulting. Yes at some point I do believe you need to let
go of momma's skirt."

Her-
"How often do you call your mom."

Me-
"Are you serious? Please tell me you aren't going to try to Psychoanalyze
ME. You're not smart enough, I'll lead you in the total wrong direction. Look,
as a woman, it's best to leave the mom-son dynamic alone and respect it
(unless it's an unhealthy and caustic one...even then, you're treading
dangerous ground). All that should matter is: A-are they close? B-Does he
respect her."

"If he's a momma's boy (which is what I think you're leading to), recognize
it and decide if you can deal with a man like that in your life. Because you
AREN'T going to change that dynamic."

Her- (10 minute pause, but I KNEW she was at her computer).
"Thanks Danny"

Me-
"Anytime sweetie. That's what I'm here for."

For the record, I call the Mom about 3-4 times a month. She relays family
news I need to know about. The Grandmother died (Rest in Peace Mamma-Cat) in
June, my Paw-Paw will be passing before the year ends. Don't ask how I know,
I just do. I figured since I'm bored at work I'll just comment on each slide
and offer a SON'S take.

Slide 2- 
"He Calls Her Daily.
If your man and his mom are always chatting, then he likely tells her
everything. including intimate details of your relationship. Not only will
she be privy to your private moments with her son, but she probably also
weighs in on every argument the two of you have. And guess whose side she'll
be taking."

Me, talk to my mom about my sex life. Ew. I was on the phone telling my mom
last year how I had hotel reservations over the weekend when I got into the
city. My step-father over heard this and asked her, "why is he staying in a
hotel, that's stupid? Just stay here." I started giggling. My mom answered,
"because he HAS to stay in a hotel for the weekend." Good 'ol carson
clueless asked, "why the hell not?" my mom (God bless her) answered him
dead-pan, "Because he's not allowed to have sex in this house." Lol. 

These women OBVIOUSLY have insecurity issues. Now I think a guy calling his
mom EVERYDAY is odd, but I think these girls are sending the wrong message and
are over-reacting.

Slide 3-
"He Needs Her Input.
There's something emasculating about a grown man who can't make a decision
without his mother's guidance. Sure, we'd like him to respect her opinions,
but when he uses his mom as a crutch, it's a sign that he's too insecure to
stand on his own two feet. If he doesn't trust himself to make a decision,
then how are you supposed to trust him to?"

Somewhat agree, but maybe there's a reason he "needs her input." I translate
this as these ladies thinking, "he doesn't need ME." I ask my mom's input on
things, but not EVERYTHING. I didn't ASK my mother if she approved of my
volunteering to deploy to Kuwait. But, I DID ask her what she thought about
it (she didn't want me to go......sorry mom, but Danny's was heading to the
desert). And.....maybe mom gives some pretty damn good advice and he's makes
BAD decisions. Yet, I agree......a man needs to be able to stand on his own
2 feet.

Slide 4-
"He's Not Appreciative
A guy who takes his mother - the woman who gave him life - for granted
probably doesn't give props to any of the peeps in his life, including his
girlfriend. This type of man typically has an inflated sense of self and
feels entitled: He doesn't thank people, because he thinks they're just
doing their required duty, whether it's as a lover, a mother or a friend."

Ok. I'll go with this one. 

Slide 5-
"They're Just Not Close
While there are legitimate reasons for a man to become estranged from his
mother, some guys just don't have the patience, time or heart to stay close
to their moms. If he doesn't value his relationship with the first woman to
love him, then chances are that he won't make his relationship with his
lover a priority. and the same goes for his eventual family."

Nope. Too presumptuous. There may be a DAMN good reason he's not close to
his mother.

Slide 6-
"He Bad-Mouths Her
While not all mothers deserve a Mom of the Year award, regardless of how
terrible a guy's mom was or even still is, his propensity to diss the woman
who birthed him is a poor reflection of his personality. A jab once in a
while is understandable; constant bad-mouthing (or worse, whining) shows a
lack of respect for women and a serious need to grow up."

Agree. I ended a date after a girl told her mom over the phone to, "shut the
fuck up already." We had lunch (she said it while we were driving to the
place). I ate as quickly as i could didn't talk all that much and (made her pay
for her meal btw) and took her home. The look on her face when I told her
good-bye and didn't lean in to kiss her was priceless. Never called her again. She was:
face-9, body-8, personality- -4.

Slide 7-
"He's Not Respectful
Even if she was pretty awful in the past, if your guy is nasty to his mother
in front of you or other people, then he's tactless and insolent. And if
he's capable of treating his mom with such blatant callousness, then chances
are that he won't hesitate to berate you in public, either."

See slide 6

Slide 7-
"He Thinks She's His Maid
If he still expects his mom to clean up after him, then this over-coddled
dude likely relies on other people to handle all his adult responsibilities,
like filling out job applications and scheduling appointments. The fact that
he hasn't taken ownership of these tasks shows that he's immature and lazy."

I think we're over doing it here. What makes you think he thinks his mom is
his maid? Does he LIVE with mom? I think this more points to these ladies
not wanting to pick up after him since drinking the feminist kool-aid. 
I bet these 2 will be cleaning up some after their sons. Is being domestic THAT
awful? I ALWAYS share house-hold chores with the lady. That's just fair.

Slide 8-
"He Still Adheres to Her Rules
Men who live by their mother's edicts long after they've left the house
don't have the cojones to establish their own set of values and standards.
If every sentence out of his mouth is "my mom says," then it's not only
annoying, but also a signal that he's afraid to live his own life."

Agree but I think the big picture here is that these 2 are implying, "He won't
adhere to MY rules."

Slide 9-
"He Puts Her On A Pedestal
When Mom is god's gift to the world, whatever she says, does or thinks will
always be superior to what you say, do or think. Even if you're brighter,
prettier and kinder than his mother, you'll never quite measure up in his
book."

LOVE this one. Holy shit. These 2 are saying, "THEN I WON'T BE ON THE
PEDESTAL!!!!!!" guess what, my mother is on a pedestal. Deservedly so, if
the missus doesn't like it....the hell with her. However I am NOT at
mommy's beck-and-call. But she's a PHENOMENAL woman.

Slide 10-
"He's Close With Her
A guy who's close with his mommy isn't necessarily a momma's boy. Actually,
a man who has a good relationship with mom is generally more sensitive,
communicative and understanding toward women's emotions than one who barely
speaks to his mother."

Wow they got another right.

me and the mom. tell me i'm a momma's boy and i'll respond, "totally".


						

40 Comments on “Momma’s Boy”

  1. ASF says:

    I avoid reading stupid cosmo-style advice. BTW there’s something disconcerting about seeing a picture of you and your mom above a title that says “Female ejaculation followup.” Just sayin. 🙂

  2. dannyfrom504 says:

    LOL.

    call it a “palate cleanser”.

  3. (r)Evoluzione says:

    Nice breakdown of the mainstream crap that passes for social journalism. Good work, Danny.

  4. Mary says:

    ASF totally beat me to it!

    I’ve talked to at least one guy that fit everything on that list. But lists like that generalize too much and in most cases are just plain wrong.

    Think I might start using the term, “You’re not smart enough” when someone tries to obnoxiously psychoanalyze me, because I really hate that. And they’re always wrong (ie, drinking one glass of wine once on my birthday one year does not make me “desirous to be an alcoholic”).

    Anyway, good post.

  5. Bb says:

    Aw, I love the picture of you y su madre. So sweet.

  6. Bellita says:

    That is a lovely picture of you with your mother, Danny. I think it warms the heart more than that Calvin and Hobbes strip over at Badger’s. 😛

    Addressing the rest of your post now . . .

    When a woman blames a man’s relationship with his mother for the problems in her relationship with him, it can be a way of blowing smoke and refusing to take responsibility.

    And in support of that, do I have a story for you!

    It’s about a young woman I know (not my friend, but the daughter of one of my mother’s oldest friends). When she was in college, she got pregnant and decided to drop out. When she and her mother fought over it, she moved out of her mother’s home . . . and into her boyfriend’s mother’s home. 😛 And while she was there, she had everything . . . His parents paid for the rent, the utilities, the food, her doctor’s bills, and even the full-time nanny her son needed after he was born because this young woman was kind of incompetent at childcare. And when other people questioned her freeloading, the boyfriend’s mother defended her by saying that stay-at-home mothers are the best for children. (It’s a heartwarming defense if you can pretend you don’t see the nanny there.)

    But despite all this . . . the young woman was not happy . . . because her boyfriend didn’t want to marry her. Never mind that she had been steadily gaining weight since the birth (estimated at 170 pounds on her 5’3″ frame, which is over two years later) and had refused to have sex with him for over a year (because she didn’t want to get pregnant again until they were married). Don’t ask me how she didn’t get kicked out of that house. I guess the boyfriend loved his son–and the grandparents loved their grandchild–enough to put up with it. In fact, she left of her own accord a few months ago, and has has been refusing to let her now-ex-boyfriend see his son . . . while, of course, hounding him for all the financial support she had grown used to expecting.

    And guess whom she says is to blame for her failed relationship?

    His mother, of course!!!

    • jamie says:

      Why do so many selfish women have children? It’s like they have no idea what they’re getting themselves into.

    • Anacaona says:

      Mmm I would say that in that case the woman was totally wrong, but as a Latina I can tell you that the only true reasons for divorce IMO are: cheating, Abuse and if your mother in law hates you.
      Every single relationship where the mother in law didn’t liked the woman, many times for no reason at all, get nuclear destroyed to pieces. The mother in law will help him cheat, will lie about serious things like allergies (really I know a mother who purposely gave lime juice with some berries she knew his son was allergic to his young bride and then deny the whole thing when the guy got sick, of course a man will never believe his mother capable of that level of evilness, which she was counting on, and of course he divorced her, she used to tell the story later laughing her head off), will go to your house to break havok, and start crying to make you look bad, really my mother and my aunt are terrible mother in laws as are many of my old friends from DR and every single time they set themselves to destroy the woman, they won. EVERY.SINGLE.TIME
      I used to pray that I never get paid for it with a bad mother in law myself (and God knows I used to tell them to stop meddling and leave this poor girls alone, with no avail), God had mercy of me and my mother in law adores me but she is a wonderful woman with no ill thoughts about anyone in the world, like my husband, God bless her.

      A young bride can’t compete with a mother dead set in destroying their relationship, unless she has a mean mother in law as mother to help her, so my experience a mama’s boys whose mother loves you is a blessing, but if you smell the slightest hint of hate, Run for the hills, unless she passes away you are pretty much screwed sooner or later. Just my five cents.

      • Bellita says:

        Danny’s post is about women who over analyze a man’s relationship with his mother but don’t apply the same lens to their own relationship with him, and that was what I was addressing by sharing the story.

        On the other hand, what you say is also true. I’ve seen enough of it as well to know that if a man’s mother hated me, I would have to break things off with him. I don’t ever want to get between a man and his mother, whatever my thoughts about her as a person.

        So I cosign your conclusion that if a man’s mother hates you . . . RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!

      • Looking Glass says:

        “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”. This really does apply mostly to mother in laws. Mostly as they bring the fury and the well-established relationship with one of the party’s in the marriage. You generally have to kill a member of a man’s family (or steal his entire life) to get that much level of dedication to “fury” against a person.

  7. Anacaona says:

    @Bellita
    Oh I know I just started to have mother in law horror stories flashbacks and decided to share.
    I totally see some women obsessing too much about it, specially in this culture, but I think Danny should just consider a woman too interested on the subject a red flag, any woman should want his man to have a good relationship with his mother is only when things get weird that she should double check.

    • Bellita says:

      Did you ever see the movie Monster-in-Law? What did you think of it?

      Although I’ve only seen it once, I really liked the dynamic between the fiancee and the future mother-in-law. Perhaps the moral was laid on a bit too thickly at the end, but I imagine that after the two finally called their truce, they turned out to be an amazing team!

      • Anacaona says:

        I watched it…Pfft amateur that is not anywhere near how bad it can get also the unrealistic ending was too much so they set their differences before the wedding? Yeah right a real terrible mother in law would be delighted that she is standing her boy at the altar she would look like the worst woman in the planet and she could say “I always knew she was not good enough for you…here cry in my shoulder”
        Heh I’m usually very on to saccharine endings but I couldn’t buy that one not even for a second…nice wedding dress though :p

      • Bellita says:

        Well, of course the ending was unrealistic! It’s a modern Romantic Comedy! 😉

        But I thought there was enough groundwork done to make it clear that Jane Fonda’s character was a smart woman who was just being extremely irrational. I’ve been irrational myself (and I’m not as smart as the character), so it makes sense to me that the right slap in the face was what it took to wake her up.

        Besides . . . she’s not Latina! 😉 And if I watch it again, I wonder whether I’ll notice signs of real affection building behind all that hate.

    • Bellita says:

      PS–But that’s just my inner fan fiction writer weaving a non-official sequel. 😉

    • dogsquat says:

      Ana said:

      I totally see some women obsessing too much about it, specially in this culture, but I think Danny should just consider a woman too interested on the subject a red flag,

      ——————

      I think the dynamic in Danny’s post is more about the girl’s mental machinery ticking over. I believe the girl was trying to build a psychological profile of him, but was stupid and ham handed about it.

      I doubt she was obsessed – she was just on a little reconnaissance mission and got caught.

      I’ll bet you a dollar Danny knew a lot about her family dynamics, and the girl didn’t even realize she’d told him.

      • dannyfrom504 says:

        was your father a coal-miner?

        the girl in question i know VERY well. she’s not stupid, but i’d never let her mentally deconstruct me. she just don’t got’s it like that.

      • Looking Glass says:

        It’s not hard to build a psych profile of someone, you just can’t be that ham-fisted about it. You’ve gotta be Sherlock Holmes about it, but most people can’t do that.

        The main thing people miss is that it’s *not* what others say. It’s what they do. Which is why talking to them is generally a bad use of time to get a psycho profile on them. 🙂

  8. OffTheCuff says:

    Good analysis that #5 is presumptuous. I have a cordial/respectful, but not close, relationship with my mother. It’s just how I was raised. She’s my mother, not my friend, “best bud” or confidant.

  9. dannyfrom504 says:

    Bell and Ana-

    my mother has only met 2 of my GF’s (and yes, i introduced her to Beth, and mom liked her). i’ve only referenced 4 to her. she know’s if i even mention i have a gf……it’s a big deal.

    speaking for myself…..and considering mom’s “abilities”, if she likes her…..me and the gf could a long way. but…..my entire family is as close knit as the na’vi. if she’s gonna be one of my tribe, she must be approved of.

    although…..if i’m even considering introducing her to the family, she’s a good girl.

    • Anacaona says:

      Your mother is a curandera…different rules apply 😉
      I mostly meant mother that get jealous of the new girlfriend for all sorts to stupid reason and see to destroy her because she doesn’t belong to the herd. Sadly Latina moms for some reason lead the field of this behaviour.

  10. Anacaona says:

    Gracias Danny I do make him laugh with my crazy jealous Latina rants, that at least takes his mind away from work issues so I hope I can keep the luck coming. 🙂

    • dannyfrom504 says:

      lol. “latina rants” are classic and can be as cute as a button.

      just you know…..as long as the subject of the rant isn’t ME. lol. then i have to watch my back. que no? lol.

      • Anacaona says:

        Heh very well said. No I never rant about my hubby. I rant about a lot of other stuff and I can imagine is cute, specially when I’m drunk 😉

  11. Looking Glass says:

    The problem with articles like the one they posted to MSN is that it’s all caricature. Some of those, if they actually exist, would not be relationship material. But they need to establish they exist in the first place, lol. What guy past age 14 uses “well, my mom said” as a valid reason for an action? Past age 14, it’s used as a reason to do the opposite, lol.

    Now, you can find some clues about the way a man will interact with women by their relationship with their mother, but that assumes a lot more than you likely have evidence for.

    Oh, and, yeah, if a man ever mentions his sex life with his mother, I’d be amazed. They’ll assume and leave things unsaid. When you’re talking to your mother, this is the woman that had sex with your father to conceive you. These are not thoughts you want to think. Bringing up your sex life reminds everyone of this fact. The more unsaid, the better!

  12. ASF says:

    Maybe I should try a Latina.

  13. dannyfrom504's Mother says:

    It is so easy to talk to a son who wants to listen. I have always been open and honest with my son, on every level. I have always felt it was my Job to bring up the most loving, sensitive, caring child I could.

    If a son has a good relationship with his mother there is no reason why he can’t have a good relationship with his woman for she will find him more attuned to her feelings.


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