Speaking too soon……Mea CulpaPosted: October 29, 2011
Integrity is a big deal to me, thats why i blog openly. i go to great pains to be as accurate and descriptive in my posts and comments. i feel i owe it to those of you taking the time to read this be given a fair look into the inner working of myself. i have successes AND failures. well, i was recently posting about myself and SHC’s possible romance. while i respect her privacy, i will touch on her personal crap just enough to convey how it relates to ME. i will answer no questions about her here or in private. so here goes.
i met SHC WAAAAAY back in 8th grade. had a huge crush on her. used to go to her house nearly everyday. never made a move. she also had a crush on me…..but she’s a girl, i need to make the first move. needless to say nothing ever occured between us outside of pent-up teen age attraction. she ended up crushing on a friend of mine. well one of my best female friends dated him all throughout high school (i moved to texas after sophmore year….this girl is the only person who knew i moved), and spent her ENTIRE senior year trying to break up with guy. after a year of stalking and harassing, he FINALLY quit bothering her. he turned his sights to SHC. she’s been married to him for over 15 years. he’s still the same guy he was then and she’s MISERABLE in her marriage, even claims she’s no longer in love with him. well i really don’t know how we starting talking but we’ve been FB friends forever, RARELY spoke. something happened (and i really can’t recall what…..i think she mentioned something about her mother remembering me) and she and i started talking, and talking, and talking. feelings developed. she talked about leaving the hubby and needing to start over. WE were never discussed although we admitted feeling for each other. then, suddenly she announced plans that she was in fact leaving him and we talked about “us” to which i simply said, “there’s IS no us if you’re married. move on with you life and we’ll see what’s happens. but you need to concentrate on yourself first.” this was when i started to develop stronger feeling for her.
ok look. go ahead and get the cliche’ slinging out of your system. i can wait.
you good? great.
well, she DIDN’T leave him (surprise surprise) and she went in super hamster mode. on my end it was simple: i deleted her from FB and quit talking to her all together. even her mother sided with me and my decision (not that it REALLY mattered). well….about 3-4 months ago. she tried talking to me. i really can’t recall how we started talking again, but we did. again…she’s SO UNHAPPY in her marriage (she claims, and i believe her. i KNOW she is), and now she realizes she really does have to leave him (and not to be with me, but to be happy again…for HERSELF) and she says she’s planning on moving in with her mother until she can get on her feet, she’s trying to find an apartment, and she “feeling like she’s living with a friend, not a partner). her marriage is…..well….i won’t go into it, but it’s not good (although she’s not battered…..don’t worry). so again things move to the topic of the possibility of “us”. and she says she’s can’t imagine a life that doesn’t have me in it, and she didn’t realize i was hurt by the first encounter (because i acted so “calm” and “brushed her off so easily”) but now she realizes REALLY wants t be with me.
well, strap yourselves in kids, she told him about her plans to leave and somehow my name was mentioned. i got 2 threatening messages from him (relax…he’s a paper tiger) and she’s removed from my FB (probably for the best but i know SHE didn’t do it). we haven’t spoken for about 3 days and i suspect we won’t. now, i will say, that whatever happens i truly hope she musters the strength she’ll need to leave him. i mean….seriously, she fucking miserable. but….that’s all on her.
however, the whole situation has left me a bit deflated and sullen; however…..it’s my own damn fault and i fully acknowledge that. i accept my responsibility for my actions and decisions. but at the end of the day, i need to take care of ME first. i decided to post this out of fairness. to show that whatever know-how i have of women and whatever success i may have with said know-how. i still fuck up time to time. it’d be pretty pompous of me to post all the good shit and not address the mistakes. thus, the mea culpa.
no need to worry, the sunny fellow that usually posts will not doubt return shortly. just give me a moment to wallow in my Ducky moment for a little bit. i’ll soon gain the perspective that i need (hell….it’s actually staring me in the face) and will be back on my feet. but fpr the moment, i’m licking some minor wounds.