The Beauty of Feminine Mystery

i’d been wanting to touch on this for a while but DAMMIT how crap keeps jumping to the head of the post line. well TODAY (being the first day of 2012 and the beginning of the end of the World) is the day i will knock this one out.

we men are fucking disgusting.

i’ll never argue this. EVER. if i called my mom and asked her if i were a filthy beast, she’d bluntly reply, “yeah.” then probably say, “but you’re my first born filthy beast.” i guess i do serve my purposes to the family, so my being a disgusting man can be shrugged off with a “eeh, yeah…..he’s our’s.” one of the things i’ve always been fascinated about in regards to women is the wonderful air of feminine mystery. women are capable of absolutely inexplicable feats. well one of said feats has always been a thing of “WOW” for me. “DAMMIT DANNY GET TO IT!!!!!” yeah i know, i know, i can be overly melodramatic at times, but this is something that REALLY amazes me.

how the FUCK can women go to the bathroom in under 2 minutes and leave NO TRACE as to what they’ve done in there. W.T.F.???!!! seriously, i’ve ALWAYS been amazed that i can have a woman living with me for almost a year, and i’ve NEVER been able to tell what goes on when the door gets closed. and it’s not like i haven’t tried. I HAVE!!!! one of the gf’s went in the loo once and i ran into the bedroom and started rifling through the closet. she walked out the bathroom and the she had flushed the toilet. “what are you looking for?” she asked as she walked past me and headed back into the living room. SHIT. i wasn’t expecting this. my head fumbled for an excuse and i spat out, “i need to bring one of my working whites to get pressed and i KNOW i have one in this sea-bag somewhere.” no reply…….SWEET. after 2-3 more minutes i heard, ” i know what you’re doing danny.” as i sniffed around the bathroom.

busted. DAMMIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!

of course there was ZERO evidence, other than an audible toilet flush, to give the secret of what had transpired. look, i’m a fucking weirdo, i admit it. but this was/is a mystery to me, and mysteries intrigue me (that’s my aquarius side). well here, clearly, i had been bested by a creature of 4’11 and 102lbs. i put the closet back in order and slinked back into the living room where she was watching tv. i sat on the floor (as i usually do) and she placed her tiny hand on my shoulder. “i really don’t get it danny. what’s the big deal? seriously.”

 

of course a japanese dude wrote this. OF COURSE. *sigh*

 

i know it. and she was right in the sense that i was looking for traces of something that deep down i REALLY didn’t want verified. for whatever issues her and i had i can say that at least she understood me. lol. i know it seems trite, but it’s just simply amazing to me that you ladies can pull this off. i know guys that have been married for YEARS that have said, “damn, i never really thought about it. but…YEAH……i have no clue if she’s ever done that. i mean, of course she has but…….huh.”

back in japan, i had just gotten back together with the gf. she was at the house and we were cleaning the kitchen after dinner. she walked away, went into the the bathroom and shut the door. she was only gone for a few minutes when it suddenly hit me.

SHE NEVER CLOSES THE DOOR WHEN SHE PEES!!!!!!!!!!

ok, seriously. this is no joke, i only close the door when i’m deucing it up. i don’t call it “the throne room” for nothing. if i’m in there and the door is closed i’m attending to kingly business and reading the latest edition of “savuer”. so if i’m #1, the doors open. well, this young lady LIKED to watch me pee (don’t ask, i never understood it either) and i just sort of was “whatever” about it (you gotta pick yer battles, this one seemed innocuous). so her closing the door struck me as odd. then it hit me.

OH NO.

“are. are…are you…you dropping a deuce?” there was a very meek “yes” as a reply. i threw my exasperated hands in the air. “OH GOD!!!! that’s it. the magic is gone. ROOOOOONED!!!! rooooned it you have woman.” ok. japanese bathrooms are different. there’s the main door, then there’s the terlet room and then to the opposite end is the shower area. you shower first, then you get into the self heating tub. dude, she KILLED that tub. i think she spent 60% of her time in that house in that tub turning herself into a mexican prune. she left the bathroom and she looked REALLY embarrassed. now, i was this woman’s first serious bf. when she stood next to me i told her, “ok. here’s the deal….you must ALWAYS close the door when you go to the bathroom. you ladies have a special power. it’s this thing you girls have where it’s IMPOSSIBLE for us to know what you’re doing in there. you ALWAYS pee with the door open, so since you closed it i KNEW what you were doing.” she looked at me confused, “what’s the big deal danny?” i told her, “look, there are just things about men you find interesting because they’re rooted in things that are SOOOO ungirly; right?” she thought for a moment then nodded, “i guess so.” i smiled and told her, “well, it’s the same for us. there are things about you that i find amazing because…well…it’s SOOO girly. the bathroom thing is just one of them.” she grinned, shook her head and went into the living room to read.

but, she never went into the bathroom without closing the door again. lol.

HAPPY NEW YEAR YA’LL!!!!!! last night i got my neighbors WASTED on some strawberry bounce. it’s strawberries, everclear and sugar. fill a half-gallon jar with strawberries (or cherries) and 1/2 pound sugar. cover with everclear. let it sit for 6 months in a cool, dark place. open it up once a weak or the jar will break. after 6 months: eat the froot, sip the jooce, and make merry. NOT for beginner’s. lol.  THIS is what we feasted on:

roasted piggy. this was an absolute treat. i ate the cheeks of course. OF COURSE.

 

if a woman ever pulls this one on me, i will smoother her with a pillow while she sleeps. lol. but you GOTTA respect the technique here. she’s good.

i don’t know why but posting the above made me think of this commercial. me and so-so saw it on ATOS and it was a gut-buster for us for a LOOOOOONG time. “that shit’s funny like panda cheese.” or, “panda funny” was a common meme for us.


22 Comments on “The Beauty of Feminine Mystery”

  1. Stargate Girl says:

    Oy! I just about peed my pants! Haven’t seen that clip of girl torturing guy with flatulence in a long time. hehehehehe. almost as bad as the “dutch oven”…..

  2. Looking Glass says:

    I’m going to go with “I think Danny’s nose isn’t as keen as he thinks” on the poop issue. 🙂

    It’s also possible you select for women with low-smell stool. It’s actually not impossible, given the way e.coli work.

    • dannyfrom504 says:

      ” “I think Danny’s nose isn’t as keen as he thinks” on the poop issue. :)” dooooooood. lol. i think it may be more along the lines of “my nose knows the bigger picture is that i DON’T want to really smell it” and masks the odor from me.

      and congrats on being the first person i’ve ever seen to string the words “low-smell stool” together. well done Sir. WELL DONE.

      i wish i could see the faces of the female readers as they read this. ONE (and i KNEW she’d chime in) has already responded and there’s one other female reader i know of that’s giggling as she reads this. i wonder if she’ll jump in and comment.

      On Mon, Jan 2, 2012 at 9:00 AM, danny edwards wrote:

      > >

  3. MissMarie says:

    That is one of my biggest anxieties! I will purposely plan my day so that I don’t have to do it in front of anyone. One ex in particular could never understand how I was such a morning person and had to get up and get home so .early, lol

    • dannyfrom504 says:

      LOL. you’re an absolute Angel girl. *squeezes you*

      the exceptoin to this rule is if she’s sick. i cannot fault her if she’s been struck ill. and you can ALWAYS see the disappointment on her face that she had to go and you KNOW what she did in there. it’s the same face brody made when he dropped the liquid molten bung fury on the floor and had no one to let him out. and if i know she’s sick and she keeps jumping off the sofa and runni ng into the bathroom, i am NOT allowed to bring the sucbject up. simply let her come back to sofa, rest her sick head where ever she chooses to, and say nothing of it. it never happened. lol.

      other than that, the rule still applies.

  4. ASF says:

    Tl;DR Women are stealthy shitters.

    😀

  5. Ribbon Butterfly says:

    But… isn’t the length of time spent in the washroom different?

  6. Ribbon Butterfly says:

    Haha! I’ll admit to holding it longer than I should so I can do it in the privacy of my own bathroom… but I always assumed there were enough times where I took just a leeetle longer that it’s obvious. But of course when you’re making rainbows and unicorns it takes longer.

    • dannyfrom504 says:

      RB-
      you see. you’ve ALREADY committed a cardinal sin. you ADMITTED to doing it. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
      OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! *sigh*

  7. Stargate Girl says:

    ya know, after you push out a couple kids in front of the husband, and he helps care for you post-partum after a section and than 2 vbacs as well as post surgical care from a major abdominal procedure, the mystery is just gone. face it. our bodies are major gas producers, and the more on the carnivore side you are the stinkier it gets. biological fact . my saving grace though is cats. Can always blame anything stanky on the cats.

  8. Random Angeleno says:

    Too funny. I was told during my college years that “all women fart!!!” I also learned they’re dynamite with the SBD’s.

    It is possible to have less stinky farts, but gotta cut down on the red meat to get there, that is the number one stink factor.

    Relationship tip: try to have separate bathrooms in your home. For the low income among us, no can do, but it’s something to aspire to.

    • dannyfrom504 says:

      RA- My throne room is MINE. A gf knows to stay away when i close the door. I don’t hide what’s going down.

      I TRY not to fart around a gf, but sometimes, sorry….deal. Lol. I honestly can’t recall EVER hearing a woman not in my family fart. and even then it’s the older women blowing dirt.

      Sent from my iPhone

  9. MissMarie says:

    Point of pride: No human has ever heard me fart. 😀 At least not when I’m awake. It’s the little things, ya know?

    Also, that early morning coffee run? Why yes, I am that sweet, but it serves a dual purpose…

    Kinda sad that I’d rather be caught with hairy legs than caught doing, erm, something everyone does. Oh well, works for me. If I ever live with someone there *will* be separate bathrooms though. 😉

  10. […] – “Why I Am Anti-Foreigner/Tourist”Danny from 504 – “The Beauty of Feminine Mystery”Fly, Fresh and Young – ““Nah, I’ll Pass”“, […]


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