Deti explains how to screen for a wife.

this was posted on Badger’s site here:

http://badgerhut.wordpress.com/2012/01/17/a-reply-to-cadence-on-sex-commitment-and-spinning-plates/

Deti’s been married for a minute. he give’s GREAT advice. when i read 2 of his comments i thought, “fucking brilliant”. i asked for his permission to post it on my blog and he said yes. here it is:

____________________________________________

I read your plaintive queries and your heartfelt blog. In my opinion, your goals are admirable but probably unrealistic. I say as a man who’s been (mostly) happily married for 15 years that I would recommend traditional legal marriage only after undertaking Dalrock’s wife interviews:

http://dalrock.wordpress.com/2010/07/10/interviewing-a-prospective-wife-part-ii/

Consider this:

1. Love is not enough to sustain or even create a marriage. Nor is beauty, intelligence, virtue or femininity.

2. The only things that will create and sustain a marriage are a small modicum of maturity, some good chemistry between the two of you, and a truckload of commitment.

3. A lot of women you meet will be unfit for marriage. Most will lack either the maturity, the chemistry or the willingness to commit.

4. You will not get everything you want in a wife. You might get most of it, but not all of it.

5. She will never be everything you want all the time.

6. Marriage is not constant hot sweaty sex.

__________________________________________________________

his second comment:

I am in this until one of the following happens:
1. She dies;
2. I die; or
3. There are valid grounds for divorce — adultery, abandonment, abuse, addiction. That’s it.

“What is something you wouldn’t have known (in my position, single and late-20s) that you wish you would have known then?”

The true nature of women. They don’t think, act, talk or reason like men.

In intergender relationships, men think, women feel.

If you want to know her, ignore what she says and watch what she does.

She wants the best man she can get, and you’ll do until someone better comes along.

Live your life according to your wants, needs and desires, not her reactions to them.

Don’t fear her. Don’t be afraid to:
1. Tell her no
2. Tell her to STFD and STFU
3. Make the rules
4. Decide the plans
5. Direct the relationship
6. Lose her

_________________________________________________

ok, i’ve never been married, so all this is fascinating to me. Deti’s my go-to-wife screening home-skillet. if i EVER have a question, i’m emailing him. lol. stay up Deti. you’re a stand up individual. if we ever get the chance to hang out, i’m buying the first round.


12 Comments on “Deti explains how to screen for a wife.”

  1. ASF says:

    danny,

    See, I comment from time to time. 🙂 All of deti’s advice is spot on, but I wouldn’t call it a method of screening necessarily. I think a lot of guys don’t know, can’t admit, or don’t think about what is truly important to them and what they want out of life for themselves. If you don’t determine that first, you can easily marry someone who is completely unsuitable. I must admit I had two out of those three issues, and consequently chose poorly, with predictable results. Odds are, no one in your life is going to tell you that your fiance is a bitch. Even if they did, you wouldn’t listen, which is why most people don’t bother.

    I met up with a friend of mine from grad school two nights ago who was visiting from Europe, and we were just talking about life. She’s known her husband since she was about 15, and he’s probably the only guy she slept with (speculating here). They’ve been married a long time (and have 2 kids), and she let slip that it was boring, but, she really loves him and I doubt divorce is in their cards. She’s of Eastern European descent. So add that to the other things marriage often is: boring. I wouldn’t say that’s necessarily bad, just a reality. However, I think men handle boredom much better than women.

  2. Badger says:

    Thanks for linking.

  3. Danny, this is a great post and jolly good advice from Deti,

    I agree with everything except this:

    “She wants the best man she can get, and you’ll do until someone better comes along.”

    I honestly believe there are many women who do NOT think like this…

    JT

    • dannyfrom504 says:

      JT- i DO agree with it. HOWEVER, it will usually take a while for you to fall SO far out of her good graces that she’ll actually stary. in my experience infidelity is usually a VERY last choice for a woman, and an extreme one.

      i don’t think Deti’s saying that once she’s with you she’s constantly checking the horizon for the next good thing to come along. no no no.

      for example, most of the women i know that initiated divorce ALREADY had a guy lined up and moved on to him the moment the divorce process began.

      • deti says:

        Actually what I was talking about in the second comment was a direct reply to Mr. Hopeful. His question was along the lines of “when you were single, what did you wish you knew then that you know now?”

        The subject response is essentially a description of female hypergamy and its realities for single men in the SMP. If she’s a date or a GF, she’s with you because you’re the best she can get at that time. Make no mistake: if a better offer comes along, she’ll take it. She’d be a fool not to.

        A wife who bails at the first sign of difficulty wasn’t committed to the marriage to begin with.

        The female thought process is, I think, somewhat different for a committed wife looking to “trade up”. It’s harsh and difficult to consider, but I think most married women will start looking around if their men are starting to look really low status. At the very least, she will become miserable, willl dry up, and lose all interest in sex. If she is miserable, she will make you miserable too.

        Men’s status can fluctuate. Job loss, work problems, put on weight, feeling crappy about yourself — all that can drive your status down in her eyes. This is why if you marry, her character is paramount. A woman of high character is more able and willing to ride out the low times, because low times come in every marriage. Almost all the time, things do get better.

        If you are down, the number one way to ride it out is to be more dominant and decisive. Make the decisions and take charge of what you can. This will help get you through the tougher times.

        What becomes a major problem is when things don’t get better, you don’t show more dominance, and weeks become months become years. Better make a change that will pull you out. If you don’t, even a previously committed and happy wife will start pushing. Even if she stays with you, she will be hell to live with because she will be so unhappy. If she sees you not taking charge, she will try to do it herself. This will only make things much worse, because she does not want to be in that position and she’s getting more frightened and insecure by the day. More likely, she will start looking for distractions, living life without you, and this could drift into an emotional affair or even a physical affair. She’s responsible for her choices, but certainly your lack of alpha doesn’t help.

  4. Thanks Guys,

    I understand now.
    It seems so easy for this to happen, huh?
    Frightening 😦

  5. deti says:

    . “If she’s a date or a GF, she’s with you because you’re the best she can get at that time. Make no mistake: if a better offer comes along, she’ll take it. She’d be a fool not to.”

    Here’s why this is important for a single man to understand. Yes, a man needs to keep his game up. Sometimes he lets his game slip and she will look for another man. But there can be external factors beyond his control why he loses the girl.

    Commonly, his game is on, but another man (not a bro) has better game. (A bro cannot get with his bro’s girl. That’s a major bro code violation.)

    Or she’s just not feeling it anymore. Even if you have the tightest game, if she’s just not feeling it, it’s over.
    .

  6. “1. Love is not enough to sustain or even create a marriage. Nor is beauty, intelligence, virtue or femininity.”
    YES.
    I keep telling people this. Do they believe me? Nope. Not a bit. Because even though other people have proven that you need more than love to maintain a long term relationship, they always consider theirs to be the exception. And I’d tell you what my response usually is to that, but it’s kind of hard to transcribe incoherent howls of frustration.

    I love #6 because being afraid to lose someone, even if they’re someone you’d be better off without, is like hobbling yourself. I’ve torpedoed friendships that had lasted for almost a full decade because the other person was incredibly untrustworthy and demanded to get without giving back. And I’ve had people quit talking to me because I had a Rage and said some stuff I shouldn’t have. You lose people. It’s part of life. Sometimes it has something to do with you, sometimes it doesn’t. All you can really do is make sure that your dealings with people minimize the chances that you’ll be in the wrong when something blows up.

    Good post.


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