Don’t be this guy.

i got a funny email from a woman i work with (she knows about the blog) and she had the following exchange with a guy on an online dating site. she went out of her way to be off-putting.

  • him- pardon me ma’am can u please tell me how u manage to be so outrageously gorgeous and a cutie monster all at the same time ?? and from what i can see your doing it quite flawlessly !! can u please elaborate on such trickery !??!? 😉 im ******** by the way !? 70% match isn’t to bad ? would you agree miss ******** ?? lma
  • her- easy. I’m a psycho.
  • him- So is that ur one and only worming ? Ur really quite gorgeous but I guess the psycho ones all ways r huh ?:/ so that’s a no go on talking ms ********?
  • her- I would be delighted to entertain a conversation with anyone who thinks my profile is funny.
  • him- I think it’s funny in a cute way !! I like that u said suck my dick but I can’t make a generator I could do a few of them things very well !!;) I know ur f-in funny as he’ll by how u just msged me back…so ur a cutie monster and sarcastic smartie pants that’s pretty bad ass !! May I ask u ma’am y in the world u r single ? I mean with u being gorgeous and all ?;)
  • her- I don’t know about funny, but I’m single because I stopped holding in my farts 5 years ago.

she thought that that would end it but he sent her a message that said that if she could hold them in on the first date, they’d be fine. *facepalm*

i want to add that his writing had me wanting to bite his face. i understand guys wanted to come off all cool and street’ish. but what a fucking tool. look, i DID NOT change any of the texts between these 2 so you could see how AWFUL this guy is. i know i write badly, but this guy needs both hands smashed with a hammer by MissMalice. srs-lee.

but i thought women liked honesty :/


24 Comments on “Don’t be this guy.”

  1. Oh that guy is screaming desperation.

  2. I have a very nice hammer. Quite ideal for those purposes. And a smaller one–you know, for the pinkies.
    It’s so hard to get the pinkies sometimes.

    I love browsing OkCupid sometimes (I don’t have an account) for the sole reason that I like to pick the most attractive men, look at what they’ve written about themselves, and try to guess why they’re single.
    Most of the time, they type just like that. And just like that, I have a working theory.

  3. I think he messaged me too .. all the weird ones have!!!

    I don’t get OK Cupid am I doing something wrong .. it’s just answering q’s and .. annoying??

  4. Retrenched says:

    Dear God.

  5. Ribbon Butterfly says:

    Blech.

    • dannyfrom504 says:

      Ladies- el-oh-el.

      my friend was purposefully trying to chase this guy off, NOPE. sad sad sad. i tried PoF and OkHookup and it’s just not for me. i need to be in the moment to and gauge her reaction/voice/facial expression to determine how to proceed. i think online dating is stacked too in favor of women. you ladies def have the advantage in online dating. most of the women i saw that i thought were attractive weren’t what i would consider as prospects for a LTR. i had a few women respond to messages i sent, but anever a follow-up. their loss.

      haven’t been to either site in months. lol. but hey, i can say i tried.

  6. MissMarie says:

    OMG, totally! I actually have done this myself, I have no idea why, but every time I deliberately try to be off-putting it just reels them in harder! Fricken frustrating.

    No matter what I say:
    “So, you’re saying there’s still a chance?”

    Arghhhhh!!!

    • dannyfrom504 says:

      reminds me of that scene on “dumb and dumber” where he asks Mary, “i came a long way to see you, what are my chances….like 100 to 1?” and she tells him, “more like a million to one.” and of course Llyod replies, “sssssso you’re saying there’s a chance. ok, alright, i gotcha.”

      • MissMarie says:

        Precisely! I have a POF date Friday, we’ll see how this one goes…

        The one time I was so desperate to shake the guy off I actually I told him I had herpes. He was not phased in the least. WTF?! There has to be some new breed of uber-desperate men out there, because although I’m cute, I’m nowhere near the level of hot that these guys should have overlooked what I was trying to do to scare them off…

  7. Looking Glass says:

    That text was painful to read…

  8. Bellita says:

    So is that ur one and only worming ?

    This one confused me for a while . . . and then I realized he meant to write warning!

  9. Ms. ********* says:

    Who said anything about chasing him off?

    Guys like this are so eager to get their dicks wet that they will tolerate a truly incredible amount of bullshit. Why shouldn’t I have my fun?

    If you really want to chase a guy off, the key is FOLLOW THROUGH. Like, if you tell him you have herpes, you’d better be able to pull a dental dam out of your purse.

    • MissMarie says:

      “Like, if you tell him you have herpes, you’d better be able to pull a dental dam out of your purse.”

      I just spat coffee onto my keyboard!!! lmao

      That never would have occurred to me! Hmmm, I might have to go shopping for props…

      • dannyfrom504 says:

        And scratch down there a lot. That would help.

        Sent from my iPhone

      • Ms. ********* says:

        Generally you want to avoid anything that makes a man think about your vagina. Even incontinence supplies and yeast infection treatments have been known to backfire.

        The best man-repellent you can have is a mentally disabled child.

        • dannyfrom504 says:

          “The best man-repellent you can have is a mentally disabled child.”

          you mean…..you should pretend you have a girlfriend?

          BAH-ZING!!!!!!!!!! i’ll be here all week, try the veal.

  10. Athor Pel says:

    What stands out for me is the guy’s spelling and grammar. I look at text like that and can’t help but think the writer is retarded. I literally had a hard time figuring out what the guy was saying. I couldn’t shake the vibe that it was an eight year old special needs kid writing it.

    Danny,
    The girl sending you the email containing this conversation says she is trying to get rid of the guy but she isn’t doing a very good job. Let’s look at exactly what she says in the part you shared. After each I will translate into manspeak.

    “her- easy. I’m a psycho.”
    She is sayin, “I want you to think I’m funny so I’m gonna tell you an obvious funny lie.”
    As we all know no woman would admit to being crazy or more trouble than she is worth, therefore any statement to that effect is meant as a joke. Saying you are a psycho has no hope of deterring a determined suitor.

    “her- I would be delighted to entertain a conversation with anyone who thinks my profile is funny.”
    There is no comedy in this sentence nor is there anything creepy. The manspeak translation is the same as what is written. In this instance the guy is taking her at her word, at face value. Lots of guys talk to women this way, to their everlasting pain and heartbreak.

    “her- I don’t know about funny, but I’m single because I stopped holding in my farts 5 years ago.”
    She is saying, “I’ve gotta step up the funny on this guy. He’s a keeper.”
    Guys generally don’t hold in their farts, it’s just not worth the pain. If other people don’t like it then tough. For a woman to admit to letting them rip is not surprising really, guys fart all the time. It isn’t a big deal. But yeah, she’s trying to be funny here.

    What we have here is a girl not trying very hard.

    You girls are pathetic in your attempts to get guys to go away.

    Herpes is a weak tool in your arsenal of rejection. If it doesn’t hold the prospect of death or extreme debilitation then it’s not a real threat. A cold sore and some itching, so the frack what. These men are desperate for poontang. Up your game or don’t talk to the guy in the first place.

    Ok, you want a creepy guy to go away and you don’t have a manslayer kind of boyfriend to threaten the guy with bodily harm? Then you gotta be seriously crazy. What I mean by that is to display a disconnect from reality, an obvious disconnect from reality, and then another and another and another, and do it again and again until the guy’s eyes bug out and he figuratively or literally runs away screaming.

    Ever met somebody that has imaginary friends or hears voices? Ever have somebody change the subject on you while having a conversation with them? I don’t mean change it to something tenuously related to the previous subject, I mean completely unrelated to what you were talking about, a complete non sequitur, and they do it a lot.

    Don’t allow the guy to have any traction. Any conversation he offers must be met with the equivalent of gibberish, it must be unrelated to his opening line and it should be a little creepy.

    Him: Hi, we seem to be quite the match. Do you have some time for a chat?
    Her: Have you checked your house for microwaves?
    Him: No.
    Her: You should. Microwaves can make your brain itch.
    Him: I’ll try to remember that. No more microwave burritos for me.
    Her: Holy crap, you have a microwave oven in your house?
    Him: Yeah.
    Her: You’re lucky. Momma never let me have one of those.
    Him: That’s too bad. But aren’t microwaves bad for you?
    Her: Yeah but only when the blue men use it.
    Him: Ok.
    Her: I have lizards in my pipes. In the walls of the house I live in.
    Him: How do you know they’re lizards?
    Her: They told me they were lizards. They tell me things. They say they’re going to bring me things but they never do.

    Get this through your heads, guys date crazy chicks all the time. As long as she isn’t breaking our stuff then she can be as crazy as she wants to be. Remember, to most guys all girls are crazy. So you being a little crazy just doesn’t cut it.

    A little crazy isn’t enough. You must become crazy. There is no try, there is only do.

    • dannyfrom504 says:

      Athor-
      uuuuh, ok. look i KNOW this girl and her sense of humor. she was having fun with him and was throwing out the biggest load of bullshit to see if he’d buy it. and trust me, she got a HUGE laugh out of this when he mentioned if she could hold them in on he first date.

      i think you’re taking this a bit too seriously. she was having fun, that’s all. and i posted it to show how guys can be absolutely stupid when they think they have a girl on the line.

      • Athor Pel says:

        Do I need to put a tag on comments like this?
        Is that what it’s gonna take?
        How about a tag or a ?

        Maybe a big disclaimer at the beginning where I offer money to those that correctly identify the jokes. Would that work?

        If it isn’t funny just say it isn’t funny.

        But to not even recognize the effort, ouch. You wound me.

        I’m sorry. I had to stop typing there for a second. I was laughing too hard.

      • Athor Pel says:

        The tags disappeared. Crap.

        Here’s the first paragraph with all text.

        Do I need to put a [tongue in cheek] tag on comments like this?
        Is that what it’s gonna take?
        How about a [for entertainment use] tag or a [subtle humor within]?

  11. Phoenix says:

    “I’m single because I stopped holding in my farts 5 years ago”
    — LOL

    Hrmm. I wonder what other messages could work….

    “Oh god, I just peed my pants again.”

    “Do you like armpit hair?”

    “Why is my shit green? Isn’t it supposed to be brown?”

    Heh … I don’t think it matters how bad the message sounds – beta herb would ahve dealt with it irregardless.


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