Do it for the Children….Posted: March 19, 2012
i tell all my married female friends my childhood history when they talk to me about marriage issues. my advice is always the same. as long as there isn’t chemical dependence/abuse or physical/emotional abuse, i’d try everything possible to work it out. if i hear a reluctance to admit abuse, i tell them my story.
WARNING: the following is 100% true and may be difficult for some to read.
my mother was married to my father for 11 years. now, i haven’t spoken to my father since 2007.
when i was 2 years old, i was beaten so badly that i was covered head to toe in bruises. my mom left my dad, and my dad’s family basically disowned him. my dad spent the next 2 weeks begging and pleading for my mom to come back. then he told her if she didn’t he’d never have a relationship with me. guess what my mom did?
the next 9 years was my mom enduring constant physical/emotional abuse, and me being beaten and molested in the form of forced fellatio. i don’t recall it happening, i blacked it out. i was in fourth grade when my mom came to me and my sister and said she was leaving my dad. it was the best news i had heard in all my life. up until then, the happiest moments i had were when my father wasn’t present. about 6-7 years ago, little things came back to me that i just didn’t get back then but are MAJOR red-flags now. i called my mom to talk to her and i told what happened. she said she wasn’t surprised. she told me she starting to suspect something like that might happen so that’s what caused her to leave. she then expressed complete guilt for not leaving sooner.
i was 7 years old and KNEW my parents marriage was a sham.
i know my case is WAAAAY extreme, but i use it to make a point to parents about staying together for the sake of the kids. typically this is a talk with single moms. i follow with, “even in the absence of abuse, if you aren’t respected and loved, you’re setting an example that your relationship is a model for a healthy relationship. is THIS the example you want to give your son/daughter?” typically the answer is always no, but then the hamster shows up. i shake my head and sigh. then say, “did you hear what i just told you happened to me?” they’ll nod, and i’ll say…..
“my mom stayed with my dad for my sake, thanks a fucking TON mom.”
that’s when it usually sets in a little better. now i have ZERO problem talking about my childhood in this regard, and i’m sure you have the same question swimming in your head that most people are asking when i tell them my story: how am i so calm and comfortable talking about this? simple. 2 facts:
- it happened
- i was a child
what happened was beyond my control. there are 2 paths i could take here. i could be the whimpering victim and cry “woe is me, please feel bad for me” OR i could choose to NOT let it define me, and let it go. guess which direction i chose? i could be a victim, or i could be a viking.
the point of this post was to point out that kids are VERY much aware of the marriage dynamic, especially if it’s not good. i’ve never been married, so i won’t pontificate marriage advice, i’m just speaking for the perspective as a kid that watched a shitty marriage spiral into shittier parenting. i raised my younger sister, now maybe some of you might understand how i’m so decent with women. i had to raise a girl, since dad didn’t want anything to do with her. and as i’ve said before….i’m close with EVERYONE in my family.
except for my father.
secondly, i’ve been wronged by women more than once. but there’s no bitterness on my end about it….and with what happened to me with my father, if i chose to let it define me, i’d spiral away into bitterness. fuck that. society is a WEAK excuse for a man. we all take out lumps, how we respond to is best testament of a human being.