Into the Locker Room: the Marriage TestPosted: April 6, 2012
i know i usually do the book post on friday, but i had an interesting last few days and came up with something i wanted to post for you guys for the weekend. it’ll be a 3 part series.
i’m VERY VERY fortunate in that i’ve led a very rich life. i’ve travelled the world, lived in foreign countries, helped bring a child into the world, saved lives, seen people die, took to sea, loved, lost, had my heart broken, had a lot of sex, seen the cistine chapel, i mean seriously……i’d be stupid to complain considering everything i’ve been privileged to experience. but there is one thing i know absolutely NOTHING about- marriage. well this might surprise you to know but…..
i almost got married when i was 25. seriously, i REALLY considered it and wanted to.
i was living in Sicily, it was early 1999, and i was dating a local girl. i had orders back to new orleans (i was under the impression i was heading to texas) and i was leaving in 8 months. but i had her, we’d only been dating 2-3 months. i really liked her. about 6 months before i was going to transfer i actually wondered to myself if i should marry her (i’ll tell you WHY later). once it popped into my head i was ALWAYS thinking about it. eventually i called a very good friend and we spoke for about 15 minutes. when we finally had a pause in the conversation, he said, “so….who is she?” i was surprised and asked him what he meant and he laughed and mentioned not having heard from me since i left for italy now out of the blue i’m calling. “there HAS to be a girl D.”, he joked. i told him there was a woman an i was confused and was thinking maybe she was the one.
he got excited and told me it was great to hear that was with someone. then he asked if i were serious about getting married. i responded that i was honestly considering it. then he asked….
“do you love her?”
i answered immediately that i did. of course i loved her. then he asked…..
“ok. can you imagine waking up next to this women everyday, having her in your home…..all the time, until the day you die?”
i paused for a few seconds and i finally responded- “you kno..”
he immediately interrupted me, “don’t do it, you’re not ready.”
i was VERY surprised and asked him how he knew. he told me i answered the “love” question right away, and that was the correct response. “you don’t have to think about whether or not you love you mother, do you?” he asked. good point good point. then he said, “but the second question is the most important. if you have to pause and think about that response…..you’re not ready. you need more time.”
i knew he was right, and i knew his was right because it WASN’T what i wanted to hear. ending it was going to be the hardest thing i’d done before. i had a GREAT woman, but i had to let her go.
eventually, we had a talk about me leaving. and i told her that i had to leave in november, and i told her that i’d understand if she didn’t want to see me anymore. she never mentioned marriage and never brought it up again. about 2-3 weeks later she was coming over less and less. finally i called her house and her mom told me she was in germany visiting her sister (many young italians go to germany for work). about a month before i left, i called to say goodbye and her mom told me she moved to germany to “get away for a while”.
i was crushed. i just wanted to say good-bye and tell her how sorry for hurting her, that she was the best thing to happen to my in sicily.
but i had to tell it to her mom (i doubt she passed on the message….mom LOVED me btw). i apologized to her mother for causing her girl so much pain, and told her i loved her daughter more than i loved myself, but i just wasn’t ready to get married. mom acknowledged she knew i didn’t mean to hurt her, and that she was hoping she’d be getting a new son soon, but that ultimately….she realized if i weren’t ready, it wouldn’t be right.
i don’t regret my decision, i don’t. that girl taught me a lot about myself and relationships. she taught me what i ultimately wanted in a woman. she also RUINED me for american women. i never spoken to her again. this went down in the infancy of the internet, so there was no email, i had her home number….but i never called.
my friends marriage test has been my go to test when a friend asks me if i he should get married. it’s proven pretty useful. tomorrow, i’ll tell you WHAT she did to capture mr. 504’s heart.