Into the Locker Room: the Marriage Test

i know i usually do the book post on friday, but i had an interesting last few days and came up with something i wanted to post for you guys for the weekend. it’ll be a 3 part series.

i’m VERY VERY fortunate in that i’ve led a very rich life. i’ve travelled the world, lived in foreign countries, helped bring a child into the world, saved lives, seen people die, took to sea, loved, lost, had my heart broken, had a lot of sex, seen the cistine chapel,  i mean seriously……i’d be stupid to complain considering everything i’ve been privileged to experience. but there is one thing i know absolutely NOTHING about- marriage. well this might surprise you to know but…..

i almost got married when i was 25. seriously, i REALLY considered it and wanted to.

i was living in Sicily, it was early 1999, and i was dating a local girl. i had orders back to new orleans (i was under the impression i was heading to texas) and i was leaving in 8 months. but i had her, we’d only been dating 2-3 months. i really liked her. about 6 months before i was going to transfer i actually wondered to myself if i should marry her (i’ll tell you WHY later). once it popped into my head i was ALWAYS thinking about it. eventually i called a very good friend and we spoke for about 15 minutes. when we finally had a pause in the conversation, he said, “so….who is she?” i was surprised and asked him what he meant and he laughed and mentioned not having heard from me since i left for italy now out of the blue i’m calling. “there HAS to be a girl D.”, he joked. i told him there was a woman an i was confused and was thinking maybe she was the one.

he got excited and told me it was great to hear that was with someone. then he asked if i were serious about getting married. i responded that i was honestly considering it. then he asked….

“do you love her?”

i answered immediately that i did. of course i loved her.  then he asked…..

“ok. can you imagine waking up next to this women everyday, having her in your home…..all the time, until the day you die?”

i paused for a few seconds and i finally responded- “you kno..”

he immediately interrupted me, “don’t do it, you’re not ready.”

i was VERY surprised and asked him how he knew. he told me i answered the “love” question right away, and that was the correct response. “you don’t have to think about whether or not you love you mother, do you?” he asked. good point good point. then he said, “but the second question is the most important. if you have to pause and think about that response…’re not ready. you need more time.”

i knew he was right, and i knew his was right because it WASN’T what i wanted to hear. ending it was going to be the hardest thing i’d done before. i had a GREAT woman, but i had to let her go.

eventually, we had a talk about me leaving. and i told her that i had to leave in november, and i told her that i’d understand if she didn’t want to see me anymore. she never mentioned marriage and never brought it up again. about 2-3 weeks later she was coming over less and less. finally i called her house and her mom told me she was in germany visiting her sister (many young italians go to germany for work). about a month before i left, i called to say goodbye and her mom told me she moved to germany to “get away for a while”.

i was crushed. i just wanted to say good-bye and tell her how sorry for hurting her, that she was the best thing to happen to my in sicily.

but i had to tell it to her mom (i doubt she passed on the message….mom LOVED me btw). i apologized to her mother for causing her girl so much pain, and told her i loved her daughter more than i loved myself, but i just wasn’t ready to get married. mom acknowledged she knew i didn’t mean to hurt her, and that she was hoping she’d be getting a new son soon, but that ultimately….she realized if i weren’t ready, it wouldn’t be right.

i don’t regret my decision, i don’t. that girl taught me a lot about myself and relationships. she taught me what i ultimately wanted in a woman. she also RUINED me for american women. i never spoken to her again. this went down in the infancy of the internet, so there was no email, i had her home number….but i never called.

my friends marriage test has been my go to test when a friend asks me if i he should get married. it’s proven pretty useful. tomorrow, i’ll tell you WHAT she did to capture mr. 504’s heart.


stay up.

13 Comments on “Into the Locker Room: the Marriage Test”

  1. Marc says:

    Solid advice, thanks for sharing what is obviously a very personal story. I’m curious & looking forward to reading tomorrow’s post.

  2. (R)Evoluzione says:

    Ahh, Sicilians are a hot blooded breed. What a great story. Thanks for sharing. I can see why this ruined you for American women.

  3. Senior Beta says:

    You dodged a bullet there HM1. And you know it from your military marriage rants. I saw the same thing in Navy marriages 40 years ago. You are a better man for the experience though.

    • dannyfrom504 says:

      I wouldn’t say I dodged a bullet by any means. The 2 guys I know (that I actually still talk to) ate still married to the local girls they took back to the US.

  4. dogsquat says:

    It’s funny how much circumstance plays a role, isn’t it?

    When it comes down to it, there are a lot of compatible people out there.

    But first you’ve got to meet, both be single, both be in a decent place for a relationship mentally, families get along, etc.

    Deployments and work and money and career and time and geography all get in the way, mercilessly hacking away at your chance.

    My dad told me something years ago, when I was deep in my emo funk:

    “You’ll probably fall in love seven times in your life. You’re lucky as hell if it makes sense to love two of ’em. So knock it off.”

    At first I thought he was fucking with me – saying I’d get one more chance. Much later, I realized he meant I’d just met one of my seven – and it was a sort of nice thing to say.

    • dannyfrom504 says:

      38 yo Danny gets that. 26 yo Danny didn’t, but for some odd reason, I knew it was for the best. I learned something about myself in the end, and that’s the most important thing as far as I’m concerned.

      Sent from my iPhone

    • UrbanCounselor says:

      “You’ll probably fall in love seven times in your life. You’re lucky as hell if it makes sense to love two of ‘em. So knock it off.” …That’s deep. I’ve only been “in-love” with one woman in my adult life and we dated 3 times on and off over 5 years. This last time lasted about 6 months altogether and I ended it in December. I found out that when I fell out of love with her that I didn’t want anything to do with her. I only “mourned” for 10 days after we broke up. Marrying her would’ve been a HORRIBLE mistake. Being WISE and mature in romantic relationships is severely underrated.

  5. Stingray says:

    Considering my own marriage I very vividly remember thinking “Can I imagine ever living without this man?” The answer was an immediate and very strong “NO”. I knew that if and when he asked I would say, yes. I’ve been blessed.

    While I’m sorry that you loved and lost, I am glad that you made the right decision for yourself.

  6. […] Out a Girl’s Bad Behavior?”Danny from 504 – “Game School 101“, “Into the Locker Room: The Marriage Test”Furry Girl – “Frequently Addressed Accusations: “You’re a Rabid […]

  7. Anonymous age 70 says:

    There are several major marriage tests. My best friend once told me that many years ago he worked at Boeing in Wichita. He thought he was in love with an attractive young woman and wanted to marry her. He asked a very wise old black man he worked with, how he could tell if she were the right woman to marry.

    The wise man told him, “it’s easy, disagree with her.”

    He said, “What do you mean, disagree with her?”

    The wise man said, “You young men are all penis. You will do anything to get sex. So, if she tells you to jump off a cliff, you jump. But, if you marry her, eventually you will have to tell her no on something. Find out what she is going to do when you tell her no, before you marry her. Be fair. Tell her no on something that is not your business. Like what color shirt you are wearing. It is not her business. If she tells you to change your shirt, tell her no, and keep telling her no, no matter how much she threatens you.”

    Three days later, was the last time he saw the woman he thought he loved enough to marry. He did not marry for nearly 30 years, when he finally met a woman who could be civil even when he told her no. He is now in his 70’s, and they are still married.

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