Marriage Fear

i’m absolutely terrified of getting married. seriously.

the last 2 days have covered my personal experience with love and marriage, and today i wanted to discuss my views on marriage specifically. i’ve been surrounded by married folk, watched my mom deal with divorce, read all the articles and heard all the sob stories associated with marriage. but, i’ve also watched my maw-maw and paw-paw’s 72 year marriage thrive and the total adoration they had for each other. i’m on record as being 100% pro-relationship. i’d love nothing more than to come home to some feminine beauty who throws her arms around my neck and fills my ear with the nonsense of her day and it’s details.

but marriage…..that’s a different matter. i will say that women need to be aware that 90% of men have ZERO problem with commitment. most men’s marriage fear comes from the realization that if the union dissolves he’ll be facing complete ruin. his finances will be seized and he’ll very likely not be able to see his own child. i know i know i know, i can hear the women saying that they’d never put such a levy on a man. but for every “i wouldn’t”, there are 10 “i would’s”. i read a great analogy that said marriage today is like a man being given a box of 50 grenades. 5 of the 50 are live, the other 45 are duds, pull a pin and it will either go off or won’t. so…..if you pick a grenade and it doesn’t go off, you win a lifetime of happiness, if not…..you die. so what do you do……there’s always the option of……not picking a grenade. and that’s what many men are doing. it’s not spiteful or hateful or misogynistic, it’s just todays reality for men.

 

the flip side is that women also have a fear of marriage, but it’s completely different. what they fear is NOT getting married. the whole “waking up next to mr wonderful” is a very real issue for women. it typically doesn’t rear it’s ugly head until a woman’s later years….but it’s there. see…..most men have no problem with growing old alone, there may even be a good amount of women that see it the same way, but for men, isolation is a natural thing. i’d LOVE to be in a relationship, but i’d rather be on my own than with a sub-quality partner. growing old alone? we all die alone…..it’s the natural occurrence of things. i don’t need someone to hold me hand as i stare into the abyss….i’d actually prefer to face it alone, one to one from the chest.

what’s always gotten me is most women’s sense of “marriage entitlement” and the disappointment that comes if she DOESN’T end up married. yet they take ZERO issue with men’s fears about marriage. that’s ALWAYS slayed me. i don’t want this turn into a bitch session about marriage, but i simply wanted to illustrate most men’s issues with the union. i have no problem with commitment or taking car of a woman or devoting my life to her and us. but there’s a VERY REAL fear of the legal union. so much so, that i’m not sure if i’ll ever do it. i guess we’ll have to wait and see.

i hope everyone had a great easter filled with family, fun, and peace.

 

stay up.


38 Comments on “Marriage Fear”

  1. just visiting says:

    I can understand the fear. Lived it the hard way.

    I’d suggest couples talk to a lawyer to draw up their own marriage contracts. Not sure if common law would trump such contracts, but perhaps that would be worth finding out. And then, have a ceremony.

  2. zorroprimo says:

    There is no commitment in marriage. That ended with unilateral (no fault) divorce.

    Oh, and the Presumption of Paternity. Is Charles Dickens still alive?!

    Marriage is for girls. Men should never want to be married. I would love to love a woman for the rest of my life, but I will never be a husband. A husband is a woman’s dog. Whenever she likes (whenever she isn’t haaaaaaaappy and wants to Eat Pray Love her way into Family Court), she can take her husband to a judge and have him put down.

    Not me, bro.

    Take marriage and shove it where it’s tight and moist.

    Until unilateral divorce is dead and presumptive paternity is in the history books, marriage—for men—is Russian Roulette with 5 bullets in the cylinder.

    Life isn’t fair, and it sux 2 B U.

    • dannyfrom504 says:

      I want to be clear.

      I want people to express themselves here. But I don’t want hate speak. As a man I can take care of myself, but I don’t want my blog to become another MRA site.

      I’m 100% team man. But in monitoring my site I want healthy discussions, not disparaging talk.

      Play nice, or I’ll nuke you.

      Sent from my iPhone

    • dogsquat says:

      Charles Dickens lives on in my heart.

      Him and Rudyard Kipling are giving me SVT.

  3. Bill says:

    I like the “box of grenades” analogy, Danny.

    To take it a step farther: if you draw a dud the first time, great. If you have to reach into the box again, the odds of pulling a live one just went up.

    I first reached into the box thirty years ago. I held the spoon down for 22 years. Let it go and, “BANG!”.

    Drew another, let it go after a year. “BANG!”

    Drew a third one. I’ve been holding for six years. I’m letting go of the spoon this month. It will go, “BANG!” this summer. And then I will be done bobbing for grenades.

  4. Random Angeleno says:

    I generally like women. I like my mother and my sisters and it just goes from there. I’m even learning to dance just so I can be around women more often. Don’t get me wrong I like dancing for itself, but dancing with the girls, ahhh, that’s loads of fun. Salsa, cha cha, ballroom… Good times, good times. But marry someone? Well I already picked wrong once, not a good experience so I’m really really reluctant to go there again. The law is just too friendly to women in general; that becomes a risk I am not comfortable with. I can live my own life, no problem I can keep doing that. The woman who gets me to yes? I’m sure she exists, but I’m also sure she’s very rare. Very.

  5. dogsquat says:

    Goddamn, Bill!

    You’ve got to find some electrical tape. Next time you pick up a grenade, wrap the tape around the safety lever a couple of times. You can still rip the tape off in a hurry if you need to use the grenade, but it won’t separate if the pin is pulled accidentally.

    Also, I hope you aren’t straightening the pin wire so it pulls out easier. I know lots of guys do that, especially sitting in defensive positions at night, but it’s a bad idea.

    Alternatively, you might consider pulling back and calling for indirect fire or Cobras or something. Seriously – you and your guys give the area in question half a magazine, as fast as you can shoot, then pull back. Your guys ought to be letting everybody know when they’re reloading, too – that way everybody doesn’t run dry at once. This goes double for the belt-fed weapons. I know they say it should only take 7 seconds to reload, but life sometimes gets in the way of training standards, so everybody’s got to maintain and contribute to situational awareness.

    While you’re in close, you ought to use fire team rushes/bounding overwatch, but sometimes a little Australian peel works well, too. Situation and terrain dictate, like always. If anybody’s got any HC smokes, toss ’em out to mask your movement. Don’t use the colored smokes in case somebody close-by is marking a target for fastmovers – it’d suck to get creamed by a 1000lb iron bomb meant for somebody else. It’s also helpful if you guys have a few magazines each with no tracers for use in these situations – that way you don’t advertise your numbers.

    Look, I know you know all this stuff, I just hate seeing guys get fucked up by their own weapons.

    Self Aid, Buddy Aid, Corpsman Aid,

    Dogsquat

    • dannyfrom504 says:

      Gawdammit I loff my ass off when you use squad tactics to make a point you fucking POG.

      WHO’S GOT THE SAW??!!!

      Sent from my iPhone

      • dogsquat says:

        Poor guy just needs some schooling.

        Danny, get with the XO and see when the next time we can book Combat Town is. I’ll head down to the ASP and see what kind of stuff they’ve got. We’ll start with some blue-body practice grenades, and go from there. If they’ve got enough blasting caps, det cord, and maybe some old thermite grenades, I’ll have Our Bill proficient with Claymores and Super C’s and foo-gas in a week or so.

        Also, Bill, you might want to go through your pockets and shit. Somebody might’ve stuck those Charms candies you get in MREs in one of your pockets. Those things are bad luck – that might be your problem right there.

        Sincerely,

        Dogsquat, Leader Of Fobbits

    • Bill says:

      Mr. Dog,

      Wished I’d learned those lessons back when.

      I was one of those White Knight / “I’ll be the point man! Pick me!” guys until last year. I finally took the Red Pill about eight months ago.

      Since then, I’ve been working on my personal version of the Australian Peel. My attorney will have the FPF ready in another week or so.

  6. dogsquat says:

    A few years ago, I was dating a gal, and it was getting to the point where we had to decide how serious we were getting. We were driving around, doing errands and just talking about stuff. The topic of marriage came up as I was putting gas in my truck.

    I asked her if she saw marriage in her future.

    “Oh, sure!” she said.

    “Like, how soon do you hope to be married?” I asked.

    “Well, I’ve gotta do it in the next few years! I’m not going to be this hot forever! I’m sick of dieting and working out so much,” she said.

    That little statement stuck crosswise in my mental craw. It tapped right into a serious concern guys have – that their girl will take their name and their ring – and subsequently post themselves permanently on the couch, mainlining cheeseburgers Häagen-Dazs until they have a personal gravitational field.

    No guy wants that. Seriously.

    I’m not going to quit working and pick up unhealthy habits once I’ve married you. It’s only fair that you try and look good, both for your health and for me. Good guys will accept the inevitable changes due to pregnancy and aging, but quitting all together? That is a non-starter.

  7. Bill says:

    As for the Charms, I stuffed my own pockets. No blue falcon to blame.

  8. Socialkenny says:

    I thought I was the only guy with the “marriage fear” lol.

    Women need to realize that men have way more to lose than they do(if the marriage fucks up),so we must have commitment phobia.

  9. ASF says:

    One of the reasons no-fault divorce became widespread was to address the evidentiary issues that arose in family court when divorce was only available for cause (i.e. one party had to be at fault). It can be difficult to prove adultery for example. Additionally, couples would often mutually concoct reasons that would justify their legal separation, thereby committing perjury. These are only some of the reasons, of course.

    However, as usual, the law of unintended consequences prevailed, and no-fault divorce has made it too easy to get divorced, but the larger issue is that the law has not kept pace with culture. A lot of the presumptions of marriage (and divorce) are based on a (sadly) antiquated model of defined roles for man and woman.

    Marriage has become a perverse contract where a party can unilaterally decide to breach and still retain certain benefits of the bargain. There is simply no incentive for a successful man to take a risk with marriage in today’s times (at least in the U.S., I make no judgments regarding foreign countries and cultures).

    Women are great, I love being with them, but I’m not prepared to give them a legal instrument that gives them undue power over me.

  10. MissMarie says:

    Honestly, I wouldn’t be averse to signing a prenup and proving paternity of children. I have nothing to hide. I don’t see why women think they’re so insulting, if they’re not planning on doing something underhanded…

    • dannyfrom504 says:

      that’s typically the logic i pass on to other. but it’s interesting how even with a pre-nup, some women (notice i said SOME. lol) will work to get around a pre-nup during divorce proceedings. and on occassion they are successful.

  11. Very good last few posts, Danny!
    To think I missed them whilst I was away…
    I think you address some very important issues for both men and women.
    As a woman, I think I am also a little afraid of marriage, but I can guarantee that men are much more ‘afraid’ than me because… you are right…they stand to lose more in this current clime.
    It is up to individual women to prove that they are not the grenades that you describe. Tough to do, because some men are very jaded about women in general.
    You have the right attitude, I find. You know there are some very good women out there, like your Sicilian ex. So you have hope. The problem lies with the hope-less.
    They have truly lost.
    Stay up, Danny.
    Bravo.
    Sei un uomo felice, Daniele!

    • dannyfrom504 says:

      i was wondering if you were going to show up Love.

      and thank you. i’m about to send you ladies running for the hills though with tonights post though i fear. lol.

      • etringali says:

        You’ve yet to send me running in fear….. perhaps had me quivering in anticipation…. but fear? naw!

  12. JS says:

    I have empathy for your fears. Men fear financial ruin. Women fear emotional ruin (being cheated on rampantly, being left for a younger version, etc).

    I dont know if this is helpful or just potentially amusing but as I was reading your post about how you’d be happy to pledge your committment to a woman but just dont want the legal binding….it made me think that I bet a lot of women could live with that if there were a wedding/unification ceremony ….basically, the kinds of weddings that gay couples have in non-marriage states (or before there were any marriage equity states). You, your woman, your guests and someone leading the ceremony (a friend, clery, etc) so that the woman feels like yes, you are making a commitment. And like I said, this could be the “amusing” part… women have dreamed of their wedding since they were little girls and if giving up on marriage means giving up on that dream….well, I think that’s the truly hard sell to women. But keeping the dream and giving up on the paperwork, I bet more women than you’d think could get on board with that. You can write it off as one more reason to think women are silly, emotional creatures who make no sense…BUT men do plenty of things that make no sense to women. It’s just the mars/venus thing again. Just food for thought.

    However, simply to play devil’s advocate…if you’re not legally married and dont have a medical power of attorney…well, you work in medicine, I dont have to tell you the perils and pitfalls…

    • dannyfrom504 says:

      i’ve always mentioned to women how mom’s tell their young daughters how they can’t wait for her to be a “beautiful bride”, you boy’s NEVER hear, “i really can’t wait for you to tie the knot boy.” lol.

      has any man reading this blog had a male relative big-up marriage?

  13. deti says:

    The fear men have with marriage has nothing to do with commitment or giving up options. The fear is

    1. Being able to live up to my end of the bargain, and, more importantly,

    2. what happens if she decides one day she doesn’t want to live up to her end of the bargain.

    Men’s fears have more to do with doing what you can to see that it works out, being practical.

    Women’s main fear about marriage is that she’ll never marry, that no one will love her, that she will be alone.

    Women’s fears have more to do with love, acceptance and belonging.

    Used to be men knew this about women, and so men did what they could do to show love. Maybe it was difficult to love her sometimes, but he did it.

    And women knew this about men, and so women did what they could to help work it all out. And maybe it was difficult to make it all work out, but she did it.

    Commitment is difficult. There are fewer and fewer people willing to meet in the middle.

  14. Spooky says:

    Hmmm. Interesting. I really wouldn’t have guessed 90%. Maybe more like 70%. I love the grenade analogy.

    A friend of mine’s fear of marriage revolves pretty much around being stuck with a lousy wife– but he knows that he’s got a strong sense of duty, so he remarked that he would be extremely hesitant to pull the plug even if it was pretty bad because he’d feel like he was quitting (his words). He’s seen so many unbelievably good marriages that leave him amazed that as far as he’s concerned, it would be a whole hog committment, period. Which is great, but as Deti said, “what happens if she decides one day she doesn’t want to live up to her end of the bargain” is something he (the friend) has vocalized on several occasions.

  15. The Navy Corpsman says:

    The problem isn’t necessarily that there is no incentive for a man to marry, it is that there is no incentive for a woman to stay married.

    For me, the problem would not be the money… I can make more. The children issue is not one I am worried about, at the age of 50 (should I suddenly find myself single again).

    The one thing that few men would admit to fearing, and the one thing I suspect terrifies them all, is that having their effing heart torn out of their chest would destroy them. I know it’s true for me… why flip a coin over something so damned serious?

    If my wife died in an accident tomorrow, there is no chance I would ever remarry. Never happen. I might send a few downrange for the sheer experience, but I damned sure won’t ever put myself in that kind of jeopardy. I can still hip fire my BAR or a Mossberg, but sifting through 10,000 women to find another One… no thanks. My problem is that I am an 1800s man living in a 2000s world.

    The Navy Corpsman

  16. Bob says:

    The law these days unfairly benefits educated, highly-paid women (but not poorly-educated women) at the expense of men in general. So why should a man get married when his job prospects are so poor and his wife can divorce him and take his kids and what little money he has?

    There were very good reasons in the past why men were highly-paid (wages stopped going up in 1973) and women were traditionally kept out of the workforce except for certain jobs.

    If the government hadn’t been destroying the economy for the last 40 years it’s been estimated the average salary would be about $90,000 a year.


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