Fitness Test

Today this Sailor had to do his PFT (physical fitness test). This is a biannual  required evolution. I haven’t been able to do one for 1 year (I was medically waived for my high blood pressure). Well, today I KILLED IT. As far as the Navy is concerned I am-

38 years old.

63 1/2″ tall

133 pounds

My performance results were-

sit-ups  84 (90 is my max)

push-ups 76 (my max)

1.5 mile run 13:28

And I didn’t even prepare for it. lol.

Now- 2 things are funny about a Navy PFT. The first is watching fat bodies that are being paid to defend the county struggle to pass the PFT. The second is all the FMF (Fleet Marine Force) guys that quote “Full Metal Jacket” while counting off reps. lol. The last 20 seconds of the evolution is classic.

“ONE FOR THE COMMANDANT!!!!! ONE FOR THE CORPS!!!!!!! DAMMIT DOC, ONE FUCKING MORE…..C’MON MOTIVATOR!!!!”

This isn’t about encouragement as much as it is about trying to make the tested laugh. As I eeked out my last push up while 2 lower ranking HM’s were screaming at me, when my time expired and I dropped to the ground, my boy told me, “well shit. I like you, I’m gonna let you come to my house and fuck my sister.” lol.

I was laughing so hard it wasn’t funny. The kid gave me a hand and helped me up.”I gotcha old-timer.” I IMMEDIATELY faked a punch to his gut. “Still fast enough to drop your Similac sipping ass boy.” He laughed and we both tapped each other’s shoulder.


13 Comments on “Fitness Test”

  1. Esquire says:

    Are they just testing push ups and sit ups to failure or is it timed?

  2. dogsquat says:

    When I die
    Bury me deep
    With two crossed rifles
    Beneath my feet

    And by my side
    A .45 I’ll wear
    Don’t forget to pack
    All my PT gear

    Singin’ lo righty lay oh
    Lo righty lefty right
    Lo righty lay oh
    We love to double-time

    We do it all the time

    “Old Timer?” You tell those boot motherfuckers you’ve got more hang time jumping off the back of 5 ton trucks than they’ve got time in service. Goddamn! Those pussies have steam turbines to move their ships these days. Things are just going to hell, aren’t they?

    Educate those grabasstic pieces of amphibious shit about the Old Navy, and how you had to man an oar for your entire first enlistment. Tell ’em about the battering ram on the old USS Ticonderoga, and replacing the Greek Fire launchers with new, state of the art long 24 pounders. Explain how the pumps had to operate around the clock, to keep the excess testosterone from flooding the bilges. And how Material Condition Yoke had something to do with oxen!

    By God, Those Were The Days! It was a time for MEN!

    A time when the M-16A2 was a frontline rifle, and you didn’t have three-point slings! A time when the goddamned broom-handle front grip didn’t smash your balls getting into the (unarmored!) Humvee, and there were no ACOGs to be found.

    A time, for fuck’s sake, when you had to take the handguards off to put your PAC-4C on, and then zero the goddamn thing only to find that your ‘7Bs were so fogged up you couldn’t see the blinking infrared dot anyway, so you left the stupid thing in the armory. You just CALLED THE 60MM MORTAR SECTION, AND THEY FIRED SOME FUCKING ILLUMINATION ROUNDS LIKE REAL GODDAMNED MEN!

    TELL ME THIS, YOU DAMP-EARED LITTLE FAIRY FUCKS – WHAT KIND OF A NAVY IS IT WHERE THEY CALL A HARPOON AN RGM-84L BACK ON THE BLOCK 2 ELECTRIC BUGALOO OR SOME SHIT, BUT YOU CAN’T EVEN STAB A FUCKING WHALE WITH THE STUPID THING? SEVENTEEN FUCKING NUMBERS IN THE NAME AND YOU CAN’T EVEN POKE A LITTLE BABY COMMUNIST DOLPHIN WITH IT!

    A MILLION DOLLARS AND NO FUCKING BARBS! TRY AND SHARPEN IT…IT’LL JUST EXPLODE!

    Jesus Herbert Walker Christ. You dingdongs sere obviously sent by God to punish me. It’s the only possible explanation.

    You meatgazing dog-dish Bucky Beaver-toothed cockgarglers and all your battery operated gizmos…..Your tiny M4 CAR-BINES with all that crap hanging off of them are just low testosterone pointable junkyards. Your ships aren’t even made out of oak….these fucking prancing Tinkerbell bootcamp foot-long dickswabbers couldn’t holystone a deck for all the pussy in Bangkok.

    You maggots make me want to puke.

    Sigh.

    Front Rank Kneel,

    Squat, Dog NMI Sergeant-Type, quantity 1 (one) ea.

    Infantry
    Old Corps
    Goddamnit

    PS – Tell HM3 Schmuckatelli I lost my dentures again. Oh, and…ah…postpone my afternoon enema! This ramrod is shoved so far up my ass I can taste CLP. No sense in making the colonic situation worse, right, Doc?

    Very well, then….Carry on with the plan of the day.

    • dannyfrom504 says:

      PogSquat-

      I was pissing myself as I read this. I love the fact NO ONE has any clue wtf you’re talking about. And I’ll never explain. Secret Squirrel.

      The blue falcon does not exist on my page. Lol.

      • Athor Pel says:

        I was in the Chair Force and I know what DogSquat was talking about. What do you mean “NO ONE has any clue”?

        • dannyfrom504 says:

          While I don’t doubt your service affords you some understanding, but i let my green buddies read his post and they were giggling.

          Sent from my iPhone

  3. Danny,

    Hahahaha, when I saw this post, I honestly thought it would be about another type of fitness test 😀
    Congratulations on passing THIS fitness test, Mr. Sailor!

  4. Senior Beta says:

    Jesus HM1. A weak ass NROTC midshipman could do a better time than that in the mile and half. And did in 1968. Shit, we had to run 3 miles. Course I could do about 10 pushups. Stay up.

  5. Spooky says:

    Congratulations!


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