Yet another Reason for Me to Hate Rob PattinsonPosted: August 20, 2012
As I’ve stated before. I work nights. ALL NIGHT. When I come in it’s sunny, and when I leave it’s sunny again. Around 2-3am I indulge in my guilty pleasure. Celebrity gossip. BUUUT, I read sites that completely ridicule and trash Hollywood. The humor on the sites is top-notch. Well tonight I learned of unexpected turn in the pobrecito Robert Pattinson saga.
Kate Upton wants to bang him.
To those of you that don’t know and/or don’t care- Kate Upton is a slamming hot model that graces the current Sports Illustrated Bikini Issue. Her titty meat is sufficient to cause me to weep as if I were staring at the Cistine Chapel. So here is an open letter to Rob.
You Sir are the luckiest son-uv-a-bitch alive. You were cheated on by a 5, and by what could only be considered Divine Intervention, have won the interest of a 9.5. On behalf of mortal men across the globe, you have a duty to get inside that woman and gun Kate down until her girly parts smell like mid-summer Texas roadkill. I urge Roberto, do NOT act aloof. Be the sullen Douche that you typically are, and allow Kate to “make it all better.” Once you hit it, then you can be Mr. Cool Brit. You’ll have earned it budday.
Now you get out there and make Danny proud.
Sad thing is, I doubt this will end well (if it goes down at all), Rob strikes me as the type of guy looking for a serious relationship and Kate probably just wants to offer a pity fuck (+3 Kate). Robert banging Kate Upton is akin to finishing public high school with a GED, only to have MIT offer you a free ride. Being in love with KS then transitioning to a blonde supermodel is a process. Imagine trading in a Tercel (your first car btw) and deciding to try your hand at handling a Ferrari. Look, I’ve had my fair share of 9-10’s. And EVERYONE of them told me most guys get REALLY insecure quickly while dating them. *rolls eyes* You really have to be a vet to date a 9-10. And one thing I’ve noticed with 9-10’s once they realize you could give 2 shit’s about how hot she is, SHE’LL escalate the sex. Yup.
But you know. I just couldn’t be a celebrity or famous athlete. There’d be an unexplained population spike in southern California of pale, myopic midgets. But seriously, I’d be COMPLETELY in the MGTOW bandwagon. I will NOT be contributing to some women’s 5 figure per month nest egg.
Let’s take a look.
— Charlie Sheen: As part of his 2011 divorce settlement from Brooke Mueller, Sheen was to pay $55,000 per month for the support of their twin sons. In June 2011, a Los Angeles judge ordered Sheen’s former bosses at Warner Bros. Television to garnish the money from any payments made to the former “Two and a Half Men” star.
— Nas: In December 2009, the rapper was ordered to pay more than $51,000 per month to his ex-wife, singer Kelis, and their son. [Dan- Married 4 years btw]
— Martin Brodeur: In March 2009, the New Jersey Devils goalie was ordered to pay his ex-wife $500,000 a year in alimony until 2020, as well as $132,000 in annual child support. [Dan-FUCK.THAT.]
— Russell Simmons: In February 2009, the hip-hop mogul agreed to pay $40,000 per month in child support for his daughters Ming and Aoki with ex-wife Kimora Lee Simmons. The payments were to continue until both girls reach 19 1/2. [Dan- Russell met Kimora when she was a 17 yo model]
— Britney Spears: In July 2008, months after erratic behavior landed her in the hospital and saw her father appointed conservator of her estate, the pop singer reached a settlement with ex-husband Kevin Federline that had her paying him $20,000 per month in child support. [Dan- To which Burtney said, OH NOE MUH FRUNCH FRIEEEES MON-EH!!!!!]
— Rap impresario Sean “Diddy” Combs was ordered in 2005 to pay about $19,000 a month in support to former girlfriend Misa Hylton-Brim for the care of their son Justin.
— Revlon Inc. Chairman Ronald Perelman was ordered in 1999 to pay more than $12,000 a month to ex-wife Patricia Duff for the support of daughter Caleigh.
I know this isn’t anything new. But it’s just the reasoning behind my never marrying within the Hollywood dynamic. And I’d totally get a place in the quarter. I’ve run into Brad Pitt, John Goodman, and Trent Reznor while out in town. Brad and John I spotted on royal street and Trent was at the Virgin Megastore- Beth was with me. A lot of celebrities are starting to vacay in NO because- WE DON’T GIVE A FUCK THAT THEY’RE CELEBRITIES!!!! My cousin is Pit-Boss at Harrah’s Casino on Canal street, he’s ALWAYS meeting celebrities. And they all say the same thing, “I love this city because you guys are so laid back.” But, I’ve started to notice photogs in the quarter, and us locals harass them. Lol.
Stingray asked for a pic of a 10. OK. here’s my last……well, close to 10.