Into the Black

the integrity of this site is paramount to me. i try to keep it raw and honest. well…..strap yourselves in kids. this isn’t gonna be a rainbow and puppy post. i wasn’t going to post this, but then realized maybe it would be cathartic in a way, and hiding behind it won’t fix it. i’m not one to cower behind anything. i’m not embarrassed of this, nor ashamed, it is what it is.

i had a melt down at work today.

the details are irrelevant. but i left my boss’s office in a complete rage, sense of disillusionment and frustration. i went into CT and the civilian tech could tell i was in a state (she knows me well). i don’t recall exactly how or why, and inside my head i said, “just hack it out today, then you can go home, have a few beers and take a handful of your blood pressure medications.”

and it made sense. i REALLY found peace in that though.

OH.FUCK.

i KNEW this was a serious red-flag and i grabbed my shit and headed to mental health. i talked with the Psych Tech, told him i was there for suicidal ideation (SI) and he basically put me on one-to-one watch. which means he had to stay at my side. now, i want to be clear…

i’d NEVER hurt myself. but i was in such an eroded state that the thought popped into my head and i’ve been doing this long enough to know i needed to seek help. i was brought to the ER, which was AWKWARD since i know the ENTIRE ER staff. lol. my doctor made a joke about me having SI because CT went down again. i swear to God, i laughed. i noticed the longer i was away from my department, the calmer i got. i KNEW the problem. i asked the psych tech what i was facing and he told me-

“HM1, you’ll either be told to go home, or you’re going to be committed. i honestly think it’d be the best thing for you to unplug. the facilities are civilian and VERY cushy.” the first thing i thought was how i might NEED to be committed, but i didn’t want to because i didn’t want my co-workers to take up my slack. it was then that i made the decision that i was going to do what i needed to do to get sent home, then report for duty the next day.

i was then sent back to mental health to speak with a psychiatrist. nice lady. we talked for about 45 minutes, and i can tell you the only reason i’m not in a padded cell cushy inpatient facility is because i KNOW the system and i made a signed contract to NOT hurt myself. that’s the pussy way to deal with problems. i’d NEVER off myself, but i did realize i was in a bad place. so i dealt with it. 

had a talk with DogSquat. i’m glad he’s a friend. he get’s this shit. we’ve both commented how there’s shit we just can’t talk about with civilians because you guys can’t relate. he knows the black that i know. i understand him, he get’s me. he’s been going through some shit and i talked to him about it, it was nice to have him there to listen to my bullshit.

i really have no point to this post other than to prove i don’t hide behind secrets. my life is an open book. today is going to have to repercussions and i’m ready to deal with that. i’ve been told by my division officer what my expectations are, and you know what….i want out of my department. i feel like a liability and not an asset to my work center. i have no faith in my leadership, and have lost confidence in my ability to perform my duties to the expectations of my department.

i’m going to request to be removed from radiology. the department is a detriment to my health and well-being, and ultimately, that’s what most important. i’ll keep you posted.

stay up.

my PTSD song. this one is on  my “run” playlist

let’s take this in another direction. ALWAYS loved this song.


28 Comments on “Into the Black”

  1. Sis says:

    I’ve identified the problem, your taste in music absolutely sucks, it’s bringing you down. That last guy was a goon! Maybe this will cheer you.

  2. aneroidocean says:

    There’s an interesting point that I read long ago about successful people that are highly respected. It was that they are completely open about their lives and therefore are so genuine with people in a way that most people are beyond too afraid to attempt. It’s a compelling indicator of confidence and self-acceptance.

    As you say, Danny, Stay Up.

  3. 3rd Millenium Men says:

    Sorry to hear bud but glad you’re getting professional help straight away!!

  4. Vicomte says:

    You did seem kind of off this morning. I know Psych issues of any kind can cause problems with the powers that be, in your work. Hope it works out for you.

    I’ve been there, myself.

  5. Infantry says:

    Good on you for doing what needs to be done.

    My dad once had a big meltdown at work and was never the same afterwards. The reason is because he didn’t walk away when he had a smaller meltdown days beforehand. I don’t presume to know what it feels like, but I do know its a good idea to recognise things for what they are when they happen and then take action, like you are.

  6. Rojo says:

    Aside from the Morrisey ( fuck that guy) Danny’s taste in music is tits. Interesting you react to that thought. It’s smart. They perpetuate themselves. My limbic system knew that back in the day, but my higher brain overroad it. It was ugly. You got this Dannopolis. We can rectify any feeling, it just takes time.

  7. Annie says:

    Yikes, I had a sort of similar, much milder breakdown at work because I got fed up with my manager, and I couldn’t handle it anymore. I didn’t confront her, but I spoke to my coworkers and I just couldn’t stop my tears. It completely sucked, had to make an excuse to my coworkers the next day, but it was good from then on and I got my anger out.

    However, Danny, please get the help you need and deal with your problems, I know you still have demons from the time in the army, but get help. I’m sure you need emotional support too, so just know that we’re here for you *hugs*.

  8. Spacetraveller says:

    Danny,
    *prayers*.

    Stress at work is no joke.
    But I know you will fix it, whatever the problem is…

  9. Marellus says:

    Never check out. Check all that’s beautiful around you. Never give up. You’re in my prayers.

  10. deti says:

    I’ll be checking in, Danny.

  11. Matt says:

    I wish there was someplace where I cod get help. Unfortunately, all of the so called “professionals” I’ve dealt with were grossly incompetent, so all I got was abuse and extortion. Never again. I now get that society would be happier without people like me and that everything I do has to be do e completely by myself. Showing any kind of pain or weakness is a signal for the jackals to attack.

  12. FNG says:

    Danny ,

    You don’t know me from a hot rock, but I’ve been military in the medical end and think I know a tiny bit of what you’re dealing with. I’m a short-time lurker here, but you got my prayers,too. Props for getting the assistance you needed.

  13. Susan Walsh says:

    Danny, I am so sorry to hear this. Props to you for walking straight to mental health. I’m also glad Dogsquat is in the loop.

    Thinking of you.

    xoxo
    Tia

  14. […] Danny From 504 – ITLR: Women. . .Walk Away Please, ITLR: Using Her Hamster. . ., ITLR: Repost: The Summation Of My 20s, Snipped, Into The Black […]

  15. […] to getting into it was in (warning, this link sends to the darkest post i’ve ever written) this post and that doesn’t even go into how i got to that point, just what i have to deal with and keep […]


Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s