Into the BlackPosted: September 12, 2012
the integrity of this site is paramount to me. i try to keep it raw and honest. well…..strap yourselves in kids. this isn’t gonna be a rainbow and puppy post. i wasn’t going to post this, but then realized maybe it would be cathartic in a way, and hiding behind it won’t fix it. i’m not one to cower behind anything. i’m not embarrassed of this, nor ashamed, it is what it is.
i had a melt down at work today.
the details are irrelevant. but i left my boss’s office in a complete rage, sense of disillusionment and frustration. i went into CT and the civilian tech could tell i was in a state (she knows me well). i don’t recall exactly how or why, and inside my head i said, “just hack it out today, then you can go home, have a few beers and take a handful of your blood pressure medications.”
and it made sense. i REALLY found peace in that though.
i KNEW this was a serious red-flag and i grabbed my shit and headed to mental health. i talked with the Psych Tech, told him i was there for suicidal ideation (SI) and he basically put me on one-to-one watch. which means he had to stay at my side. now, i want to be clear…
i’d NEVER hurt myself. but i was in such an eroded state that the thought popped into my head and i’ve been doing this long enough to know i needed to seek help. i was brought to the ER, which was AWKWARD since i know the ENTIRE ER staff. lol. my doctor made a joke about me having SI because CT went down again. i swear to God, i laughed. i noticed the longer i was away from my department, the calmer i got. i KNEW the problem. i asked the psych tech what i was facing and he told me-
“HM1, you’ll either be told to go home, or you’re going to be committed. i honestly think it’d be the best thing for you to unplug. the facilities are civilian and VERY cushy.” the first thing i thought was how i might NEED to be committed, but i didn’t want to because i didn’t want my co-workers to take up my slack. it was then that i made the decision that i was going to do what i needed to do to get sent home, then report for duty the next day.
i was then sent back to mental health to speak with a psychiatrist. nice lady. we talked for about 45 minutes, and i can tell you the only reason i’m not in a
padded cell cushy inpatient facility is because i KNOW the system and i made a signed contract to NOT hurt myself. that’s the pussy way to deal with problems. i’d NEVER off myself, but i did realize i was in a bad place. so i dealt with it.
had a talk with DogSquat. i’m glad he’s a friend. he get’s this shit. we’ve both commented how there’s shit we just can’t talk about with civilians because you guys can’t relate. he knows the black that i know. i understand him, he get’s me. he’s been going through some shit and i talked to him about it, it was nice to have him there to listen to my bullshit.
i really have no point to this post other than to prove i don’t hide behind secrets. my life is an open book. today is going to have to repercussions and i’m ready to deal with that. i’ve been told by my division officer what my expectations are, and you know what….i want out of my department. i feel like a liability and not an asset to my work center. i have no faith in my leadership, and have lost confidence in my ability to perform my duties to the expectations of my department.
i’m going to request to be removed from radiology. the department is a detriment to my health and well-being, and ultimately, that’s what most important. i’ll keep you posted.
my PTSD song. this one is on my “run” playlist
let’s take this in another direction. ALWAYS loved this song.