The Rambling of a 38 yo AsshatPosted: September 23, 2012 | |
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately: About my upcoming retirement. About my hunting camp. About my relationship status.
Throughout most of my life I feel I’ve been a decade behind. Most of my thirties I’ve like I was in my twenties, my twenties; well, I was a fucking mess. As I head into the soon coming 40’s, my experience with the blogsphere and the PUA/MRA has left me to thinking a lot about my future. I think I’ve always been sort of a minimalist. When I stumbled upon Dirt Cheap Survival Retreat it just gave me the deepest feeling of tranquility and clarity that I’ve ever felt as I pondered my upcoming retirement. Interestingly enough my Phsyciatrist/Psychologist told me it’s pretty common for most war Vet’s or military guys with PTSD to find comfort in retreating to the woods. So….you know, there’s always that.
As is, I live in a 1900sqft 3 bedroom, 2 bath home in a cushy suburban neighborhood. Since joining the Navy I’ve always rented a home or had an apartment. Since becoming a homeowner, I’ve come to the realization that besides my kitchen, I utilize 10% of the 1900sqft I’m paying for. Most of the shit I’ve “accumulated” over the years is essentially worthless to me (except for the books). My mother told me, “it’s an investment” and in a sense I guess she’s right. After all, she is taking over the mortgage, refinancing it, and plans on renting it out to military families.
Most evenings you’ll find me sitting against my $2400 leather sofa, watching history channel on a 46” Sony, with an English Staffordshire Terrier at my lap. And you know what- I couldn’t be happier. The only regret I have is that I’ve FINALLY realized just how worthless all my “nice shit” really is to me; but is that really a bad thing? I’ve never been married, never fathered a child, and as I sit in my home….alone; I feel complete tranquility. I have to wonder if I’m an anomaly, or a trend? While I wouldn’t MIND being in a relationship, I don’t really feel like I NEED to have one. I mean, I like women…I ADORE women. But I have to honest in my feeling a relationship becomes less and less of a priority. Is age a factor? Has being exposed to the blogs and ingesting the red-pill forged my state of mind?
I’m probably going to get in trouble for this, but fuck it.
There’s a woman I’m interested in. Well I recently made a comment on twitter that (and I don’t blame her) that she’s called me out on. And I’m torn. In one sense, I like the girl…..I really do. But at the same time, if she told me she never wanted to speak to me again: I’d have ZERO problems with it. But, what may be my indifference stems from the fact that I rarely hear from her, and does it really take a tweet about me suggesting to fellow guy blogger I could sleep with a woman that told me she’s engaged to garner some attention from her? And all this despite EVERYTHING I’ve done for her. I don’t think ill of her, no. She’s actually an amazing woman, with a bright future, and a personality I find particularly endearing. But let’s face it, i was shit tested.
But at the same time, I keep feeling the burning feeling of my being best off alone. I read God’s Lonely Man last night. Then read it again. Then thought about my possibly homesteading, about WANTING to homestead. After living as a homeowner the last few years, I really feel as though I’d be much better off with the travel trailer of a few acres in S. La. In regards to girl, is that fair to HER? Oh don’t worry about her; she’s young, VERY pretty, and on her way to graduate school soon. Trust me, girls gonna be just fine.
When my family stayed with me during hurricane Isaac my mom noticed all the books I’ve been reading on raising crops and animals, homesteading, solar power (seriously- I have about 8-9 books dedicated to this shit) and she looked at me and said, “You’re serious about this?” It was then that she knew her son was NOT just having a flight of fancy. This wasn’t some random passing thought. My recent post “The Woe of Women” generated more comments and traffic than ANYTHING I’ve ever “published”. Between the PTSD, the depression that comes with it, understanding of the current state of the SMP, trust me; a travel trailer on 2-5 acres seems like paradise.
I have to wonder if my indifference in relationships (and trust me, I’ve TOLD people I won’t end up in a relationship until after I retire) comes from the reality of the SMP, or my getting older? I certainly have no issues with socializing with women (hell, you’ve read the posts) and the bloggers I know IRL can validate that. But for as long as I can remember, if I wasn’t in relationship…..I was alone. I LIKE being alone. I actually thrive in isolation. I’ve written about it NUMEROUS times before starting the blog, or knowing about the blogsphere. Back in Japan, I took leave for two weeks and realized after 5 days I hadn’t spoken to another human being. Another 4 days passed before I DID interact with another person (in Japanese mind you). And even then, all I did was respond to a typical Japanese greeting with, “O genki desu ka?” (how are you?). I remember telling Beth when we first started that there might be times I just want to be alone and for her to not take it personally; I just need “Danny Time”. Of course, that NEVER happened. Lol.
As I sit in my HUGE house, watching hunting shows, and general non-MSM programs, with Brody sitting next to me; I don’t feel as though I’m missing out on anything. I’ve even quit going to the local. I’m simply finding more and more solace in my own company. Not really a bad thing, right. Though I’m sure my mother frowns upon her possible impending non-fatherhood, monastic as shit son. Lol.
This isn’t some MGTOW diatribe. I’m not shaking my fist at feminists. I can’t pontificate game with the eloquence of Badger, Mentu, TPM, or any of the heavy hitters on the scene. While I feel privileged to call more than one of the bloggers that are MUCH better at this shit than myself friend, I could nuke the site now and never look back.
But I do find a strange satisfaction when I get the occasional email from a reader thanking me for my advice or that they really appreciate some Douche-hat nothing like me and this joke of a “manospehere” blog.
I have NO IDEA what’s going to go down between me and girl. But something tells me, if she’s as smart as I think she is, she’ll choose another. You see, I’ve been through this before. Maybe I was naïve to think this woman knows me well enough to realize I wouldn’t fuck an engaged stripper. Even if I COULD. Even though, I’M SINGLE, and she’s acknowledged we AREN’T a couple….is pretty troublesome. This could prove to be all the validation I need to just throw in the towel all together and enjoy my days of sleeping late and taking Brody for a run. No matter what happens though, you’ll never hear me say a bad thing about her. EVER. And that’s another thing I try and emphasize to guys. Of course that’s when that attitude is plausible. Lol. If she sets your shit on fire, yeah….shame away.
If you’re never read “God’s Lonely Man”, you should. I LOVE Thomas Wolfe. here’s a brief excerpt-
“He knows dark time is flowing by him like a river. The huge, dark wall of loneliness is around him now. It encloses and presses upon him, and he cannot escape. And the cancerous plant of memory is feeding at his entrails, recalling hundreds of forgotten faces and ten thousand vanished days, until all life seems as strange and insubstantial as a dream. Time flows by him like a river, and he waits in his little room like a creature held captive by an evil spell. And he will hear, far off, the murmurous drone of the great earth, and feel that he has been forgotten, that his powers are wasting from him while the river flows, and that his life has come to nothing. He feels that his strength is gone, his power withered, while he sits there drugged and fettered in the prison of his loneliness.
Then suddenly, one day, for no apparent reason, his faith and his belief in life with come back to him in a tidal flood. It will rise up in him with a jubilant and invincible power, bursting a window in the world’s great wall and restoring everything to shapes of deathless brightness. Made miraculously whole and secure himself, he will plunge once more into the triumphant labor of creation. All his old strength is his again: he knows what he knows, he is what he is, and he has found what he has found. And he will say the truth that is in him, speak it even though the whole world deny it, and affirm it though a million men cry out that it is false.
At such a moment of triumphant confidence, with this feeling in me, I dare now assert that I have known Loneliness as well as any man, and will now write of him as if he were my very brother, which he is. I will paint him for you with such fidelity to his true figure that no man who reads will ever doubt his visage when Loneliness comes to him hereafter.”
He then goes on to site the Book of Job as being the best resource on human lonliness. I don’t find sadness in loneliness, in a sense….i find peace in it.
Sorry about this post. This is what happens when you post openly and you’re stuck at a desk for 12 hours. Enjoy the rest of your day. Nothing to see here. Lol.