Why Deti OwnsPosted: November 22, 2012
the bombshell that M3 dropped on the sphere has finally started to settle. did i call it or did i call it? told you guys he was gonna be a star. over on The PrivateMan‘s site there was a lengthy discussion where Deti dropped this gem. Spacetraveller and JustVisiting stepped into a minefield and had i been able to comment from work i’d have told them directly to sit this one out and just read. anyway, it’s worth your time to read the comment section on PM’s site. more than one person suggested posting it…..so here it is.
Spacetraveller offered this:“I try to imagine what it is like for a good woman to love a man and want commitment from him, only to have him reject her in favour of another woman. I believe it goes well beyond ‘boo hoo weepy sad’.”M3′s post was about involuntary celibacy and the incredible pain and frustration men feel with it.
Space was suggesting a parallel painful scenario in a woman falling deeply in love with a man and then failing to secure commitment from him, with him rejecting her for another woman.
I suppose this is probably the closest analogy to male incel status and repeated failures in that regard.
But let’s unpack this. There are a number of differences which cause the impact to fall much harder on men than on women. This will borrow heavily from Opus and Lost Sailor above.
1. Women learn early on what men like: good looks, youth and femininity. It is simply natural. Girls as young as 3 years old naturally flirt, giggle, play with their hair and respond positively to gentle teasing when around older men. This is constantly reinforced throughout her life. Her adolescence, teen years, college years and young adult years are one long validation/affirmation fest as she receives a stream of constant interest from men; as well as free drinks, meals, dates, vacations, and favors. She receives accolades and credit for her looks, youth, strength and independence.
But men start out at a disadvantage. Boys are constantly told to be quiet, sit down, shut up, and be gentlemen. They are bombarded every day with messages from parents, teachers, pastors, Scout leaders, counselors, and all others to “be nice” and be good little gentlemen. Roughhousing is dangerous. Talking out of turn is bad. Don’t run. Stay inside the lines. Don’t risk. Don’t touch. Put that down. Don’t go there. Don’t walk there. Don’t talk to her. Girls like good safe nice kind polite gentle, soft men. Girls want you to show your emotions and tell them all about yourself and how you feeeeeel. Girls want you to give them everything, pay for everything, and go all in right now.
Your sexual urges are not only bad, but perverted and immoral and sick and illegal. Don’t try to date anyone at work; you’ll get fired for sexual harassment. You get one chance to ask her out and if she says no you must never ever ever even look at her again. You’re a potential rapist. Let’s just be friends. I just don’t think of you THAT WAY. You’re such a nice guy; you’re gonna be a great husband for some lucky girl someday! I don’t really wanna get serious with a guy right now. Why can’t guys be like you? You’re so NICE.
2. A woman who loses a man from whom she sought commitment at least has the skills to attract another man. She has demonstrated she knows how to attract men. Most of the time, in order to attract male interest, any woman at a 4 or above need only exist. She need only look her best, go to a public place with one or two friends, and simply be there. Her very presence will generate male interest. In other words, ladies, all you gotta do is show up and look like you give two shits, and men will be there for the asking.
Opus cogently pointed out: She can cry for a few days. When she is done, she’ll dust herself off. With the help of her BFFs, she’ll dry her eyes, get made up, put on her little black dress, and head out to the bars for a night out. She’ll feel better because she can get whatever she wants. Want some attention? Hit the dance floor. If it’s validation she wants, men will offer her drinks. She can numb the pain from her breakup for free by hitting up chumps who will willingly buy her drinks and get her soused. She can go home with the most attractive man who presents himself, and get sex (validation. You go grrrrl — you still got it, honey! Fuck that loser ex-BF! Go for the hawwwwt, girlfrieeeeeennnnnd!) Or she can turn down the proposition and still get her validation dose (I coulda fucked him. Yeah, I still got it.) Or, if she doesn’t want any of that from men, she can just be with her GFs who will commiserate, cry, pat her head, coo, and say “Oh, there, there, dearie. It’s going to be all right.”
As for men, their disadvantages mean that generating interest isn’t nearly as easy. Most blue pill men get into relationships by simple dumb luck. They have no idea how or why they were able to attract the interest of some girl. They fell into it, and when it ends, they pick themselves up by trying to do the same things they did before, often to no avail. He has to do all the work and bear all the risk, for very, very little return. He is told exactly the wrong things to do: invest heavily immediately. Talk about his feelings. Lean in so he can actually talk to her and hear her responses. Pay for everything. Return her texts immediately. And he is simply invisible to most women, because he is an average man. His friends will offer an encouraging word, but not much else. He’ll go to the bars and nightclubs. Most of the time he will get no interest from women at all. He will try to meet girls but will fail almost all the time. Unless he is taught a completely different paradigm, he’s doomed to make the same mistakes over and over and over again.
3. Women don’t invest emotionally in men the way men invest emotionally in women. Once a man invests emotionally, he’s all in. He has his entire life wrapped up in her. It is probably a function of his sense of responsibility and his drive to achieve and succeed. Once he commits, he is responsible. So when the relationship fails it is intensely personal for him. He was given a responsibility and he either did not or could not carry it out. And what’s more, a man’s value is judged on his successes and failures. His failure with a woman or with a relationship is a profound one, because it means he failed on a very basic, personal, intimate level. It means he is a failure as a human being, a failure as a man. And if he has children, he has failed in his responsibility to care for and protect them. He cannot protect them if he does not live with them and can supervise their education, upbringing and training.
But a woman is not called on to invest or commit. She does do so, but it’s not her primary role. Her primary role is to give and grant sexual access. Sounds sexist, but her sexuality and sexual access is the primary thing of value she brings to the relationship. My theory is that she can get over a relationship or marriage failure in a few months at the outside simply because whatever she has invested or committed to the relationship, she can take it with her if and when she leaves. What is it that she invests and commits? Her body. Her sexuality. That is hers and hers alone, and can be withdrawn from an unworthy man and then conferred on whomever she deems worthy at that moment.
But a man invests his time, his money, his expertise and his resources. IMportantly, these are the main things of value he brings to the relationship or marriage. His time, once spent, is gone forever. His money? Same thing. He cannot recover time or money wasted and/or spent. His expertise and resources are given to the estranged woman, who benefited from them when she was with him; and now takes them when she leaves.
So these are the main differences, I think, and it’s why incel status impacts a man much, much harder than a failure to secure commitment from a worthy man impacts a woman.
i can’t say i disagree.