ITLR- Faptastic

Since I’ve been “Danny Downer” the last few posts I thought I’d return to fat crayons, strap on my hockey helmet, and start eating some paste. It’s no surprise that I have always adored the fairer sex. Well, as a kid I ALWAYS ran through paw-paw’s Penthouses. For those of you that don’t know- Penthouse was pretty hardcore in the 80’s-90’s. Now they went the route of playboy so they can be sold on military bases. Oh, you don’t…..ok around 1996-7military bases banned all hardcore pornographic magazines citing “sexual harassment” and that women might be offended by said magazines.

Yeah, I know. Don’t get me started. Hell, I made $3000 selling bootleg VHS tapes of porn back in GTMO (no internet back then). I basically made copies of videos I had via a friend that managed an “adult store” back in Charleston.

So…..young Danny would root through these Penthouses and READ the “letters”. It was there that I learned of the art of the fap. Well, one fateful day, and 11 year old Danny gave it a go and O.M.G.

Life on Planet Danny had forever changed.

My family must have thought I had IBS I was in bathroom so much. But now that I’m an adult, I know they knew what I was doing. Then, once again ANOTHER momentous change came about: HBO. Well, ok, it had been out for a while, but with the advent of VHS and my tech nerd evil genius I learned how to set the timer to record R-rated movies. See mommy banned me from those. Well, boy’s can be just as devious as girls (we just eventually get caught), so I found a way around it. I’d record the entire movie, find at what point the good scene came on. Erased it, then RE-RECORDED the film at the “good parts”.

How fucking genius is that? Since mom never watched the tapes I had them labeled, “The Last Starfighter” or “Police Academy 3”. She never caught on. The “good parts” were AFTER the actual movie I taped AND I had 2-3 legit movies on one cassette. I’d have 2-3 “good parts” per tape. And my “spank bank” knew the EXACT point on the tape (via it’s timer) the fapable part was at. G’head, tell what a devious perverted bastard I am.

So, as sort of a “palate cleanser” from the past few days, I’d like to present ala Rob Gordon my top five favorite fap films of the 80’s-early 90’s.

  1. 1.       Blame it on Rio- C’mon Michael Caine banging his besties daughter on the beach. When she busted out the beans and took out her retainer. DONE. PAUSE!!!!!!! Fapfapfapfap
  2. 2.       Just one of the Guys- the final scene. You know the scene. Terry proves to Rick that she’s really a girl. How perfect were those things. PAUSE!!!!! Fapfapfapfap
  3. 3.       Bachelor Party- Do I even need to tell you what scene did me in? As an aside GREAT guy movie. The suicidal friend had me pissing myself.
  4. 4.       TIE. Revenge of the Nerds- First off: GREAT movie. Funny as all hell. But it was first time seeing on screen bush. I LOVE pubic hair. The current trend of shaving it bare makes it look like a dead bird. I’m not saying you need to go Link from the Mod Squad, but there NEEDS to be some hair down there. ok. Oh wiat, I’m talking about a movie. Sorry. Pic and fucking scene, there are tit’s galore in ROTN. Faptastic.
  5. 5.       Fast Times at Ridgemont High- You know the scene. It is forever seared in every 30 something year old dudes mind. Phoebe Cates dropping some sweater cows in a red bikini was fucking perfection for me. I could fap to that scene TO.THIS.DAY.

Now I know you girl are just as sick as us boys and are reading this post giggling, so what movies did you double click your mouse to? Lol. Guys I’d LOVE for the guys to chime in with their favorites.


And don’t think I didn’t notice you ladies stayed away from commenting on my last post. Thank you. But I KNOW all of you read it. Danny knows these things.

46 Comments on “ITLR- Faptastic”

  1. Vicomte says:

    You old fucks have it all wrong.

    Young men of taste fapped to the Jennifer Jason Leigh scene.

  2. deti says:

    Ah, nostalgia. Those were the days, of Jergens lotion and boxes of Kleenex.

    HBO? Slacker.

    Cinemax (aka Skinemax, aka Cinesnatch) is what you needed, my man. Joe Bob Briggs and his “Breast Movie” and “Breast Actress” awards.

  3. deti says:

    This is right up my alley. I was a true B-movie connossieur, in the days before internet porn, of course.

    Any movie with Becky LeBeau. She had the biggest natural breasts I had ever seen.

    Any Andy Sidaris movie. Hard Ticket to Hawaii.

    Malibu Bikini Shop, early 80s movie. Nonstop jiggle, dancing and nudity.

    In the Cold of the Night. A Nico Mastorakis flick that had seriously sexy scenes with an actress named Adrienne Sachs. Never saw her in anything else, but her scenes were hot.

  4. deti says:

    Let’s remember our B-movie actresses, shall we?

    Traci Lords, “Not of This Earth”
    Becky LeBeau
    Linnea Quigley
    Monique Gabrielle
    Kitten Natividad (the first woman I’d ever seen with breast implants)
    Rhonda Shear (USA Up All Night)
    Diane Franklin
    Barbra Horan
    Delia Sheppard
    Shannon Whirry
    Julie Strain

    Yeah, mon.

  5. deti says:

    Amazon Women on the Moon. Corinne Wahl, faking sex in a POV video thing. Segment directed by big tit connossieur Russ Meyer (RIP).

    • dannyfrom504 says:

      LOVED RUSS!!!!!

      original night of the demons, coffin sex scene with jill terashita.

      • deti says:

        DOn’t know that one. I knew these:

        1. Up! Raven De La Croix.
        2. Beyond the Valley of the Ultravixens. Cynthia Myers.
        3. faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill! Tura Satana
        4. Common Law Cabin. Uschi Digard
        5. Mondo Topless. Uschi Digard
        6. anything with Kitten Natividad.

  6. deti says:

    Solid Gold. The Solid Gold Dancers were fapworthy.

  7. Retrenched says:

    Why does no one mention Meredith Salenger when these discussions come up? Surely I can’t be the only child of the 70s who had a thing for her. Never saw her do nudity, but to me she looked better in her white swimsuit or t-shirt than a lot of women did naked… ah, memories.

    And the Emmanuelle movies, the ones with the black girl. Dear god was she smokin’ hot. And Ursula Andress in… hell, anything she was ever in.

  8. RojoC says:

    I’m half your age, Danny, so I probably shouldn’t even know about these movies but I do.

    (It seems that the newer ones don’t even have as much titty as they used to back in the day). Anyway, I’ve happened to have seen that Michael Cane one when I was really bored at home. Ho-lee-chit! It was one of those free movies where you could pause and rewind it and shit, and I had to do a double take. Those were some glorious and righteous breasts. They’re classic and I don’t care how old that movie is.

    Sadly, I haven’t seen the other movies, though many of my older 30something friends keep talking about “Fast Times @ Ridgemont High.” Sounds like a good enough movie, so I’d like to watch it.

    In spite of the fact that I’m half your age, count me into the “bush” fan section. I love when it matches the color up top too. I despise the baldie shit going around. I dunno, the bush just looks right; it shows sexual maturity I guess.

  9. Slyvin says:

    Did you ever see the other Phoebe Cates movie “Private School”? Her co-star Betsy Russel had an AWESOME natural rack in that one.

  10. Zorro says:

    Yup. Blame it on Rio, indeed. Back when Demi Moore didn’t look like Skeletor.

  11. Phedre says:

    We didn’t have a TV so I was limited to rented movies. We mostly watched European movies so there was nudity and hot sex scenes aplenty. My parents just disregarded R ratings. A few movies they rented for themselves and wouldn’t let me watch (rated 18A), so of course as soon as they were out of the house for a few hours…

    I remember there was one where rich people boated to an island in Greece and the whole thing was set up as an ancient Greek dress-up orgy event. I couldn’t even watch it all the way through. It was painfully arousing without letting up for a minute.

    • dannyfrom504 says:

      God yer such a good egg.

      i’m friends with a girl who’s very open about her sexuality and i asked her when she “woke” sexually. she told me at 8 she started “humping” the arm of her sofa. then had this favorite brush. lol. can you relate dear?

      Sent from my iPhone

      • Phedre says:

        Actually, I’ve always preferred just building up and keeping arousal at painfully high levels rather than releasing it through stimulation. I started at 6, playacting a teacher bending down among her students and baring herself. I thought it made me want to pee, but in a pleasurable way. I was kind of conflicted, because it wasn’t the sort of thing you wanted to go to the bathroom for, but I didn’t want to be peeing on my carpet either.

      • Phedre says:

        Yeah… Actually…. When I think about it now, there was one or two times then that I ‘peed’ in my room, and I was wondering why it didn’t smell at all….
        That’s kind of crazy. Female ejaculation at 6?

        But as an adult I’ve only had one experience with it. I wasn’t even remotely aroused. The guy just stuck his fingers in hard, painfully, and I ejaculated. He did it again 15 minutes later. It was utterly unpleasurable.

      • Phedre says:

        That’s not the point… It was an S&M thing anyway, but I mean that it can happen completely unconnected to arousal. On the other hand, if I could do it without any stimulation when I was little, maybe I could learn to do that now too?

      • Phedre says:

        We’ve tried plenty of times, and I’ve tried it with one of those specially shaped vibrators. I just don’t enjoy the feeling. I meant that it would be nice to be able to do it without the special stimulation.

      • dannyfrom504 says:

        well, every girls is different. i think the “trying” is the fun part.

  12. MissMarie says:

    Girl POV – Newer movie that caught me off guard with a couple hot scenes: A History of Violence. Viggo Mortensen and what’s-her-name on the stairs, rawwwr! Also were good ones in Unfaithful. I discovered Skinemax around 7th grade, it was all downhill from there, lol. Bikini Cove I think was one of the more popular ones on there at the time?

    • dannyfrom504 says:

      Did you and you gf’s talk about how often you fapped? Boys DO NOT discuss it. Lol.

      Sent from my iPhone

      • MissMarie says:

        No, never. Although, I wasn’t part of a tight girl group, had a couple fairly close girl friends. To be honest, it doesn’t even really come up in conversation now, either. Vibrators sometimes, but really no discussion of masturbating per se. I don’t know if it’s because we’re in a podunk community or whether that’s normal. Sleepovers we talked about boys and stuff, but never mentioned playing with ourselves. Hmmm

      • Phedre says:

        We discussed it in school when we were bored.

      • dannyfrom504 says:

        i love being a fly on the wall during those talks. lol.

  13. John Doe says:

    How about the virgin bride scene from the Godfather? Never really fapped to it but OMG is that erotic when she shows her perfect little tits!!!!!!!! And a new classic is Jessica Beale climbing out of the pool with a wet t-shirt on “Summer Catch”… yum fucking yum…

  14. Sean says:

    +1 on Apollonia from Godfather.
    Julie Warner from Doc Hollywood.
    Gabrielle Anwar from the Bodysnatchers remake.
    Cynthia Gibb from the JCVD prison movie. Looked fantastic in her bra.

    • dannyfrom504 says:

      Doc Hollywood is a movie I have to remind people that “that chick from tommy boy goes topless” in.

      I had no idea GA went topless.

      And I’m drawing a blank on the last movie you mention.

      Sent from my iPhone

      • Sean says:

        She does twice in Bodysnatchers. Tiny little A cups but I was about 15 when it came out so…
        JCVD movie is (IMDB is my friend) Death Warrant. No nudity and I was 12 when it came out. Just seeing her in that bra was enough for me.

  15. Drama says:

    I don’t believe i’ve seen porky’s mentioned yet

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