GuestPost: Deti- New Girls

for those of you NOT following my twitter (you DO know i have a twitter account, right), i was in a car accident last night. i’m fine, but i got rear ended (write your own jokes kids) and my neck and shoulder is humming. i’m in a shit mood so it’s a good reason to let Deti represent tonight. without further ado-

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When You’re Dating A New Girl/In a New Relationship

1. This is the most important rule. If you get nothing else from this, remember this one rule: In the early days of the dating/relationship, Stay in the moment. Stay right there, with her, enjoying the moment. Do not think about where this is going next week, next month or next year. This is new. It’s exciting. It’s fun. Stay there.

2. Resist the temptation to analyze. Let HER do that. It occupies her hamster.

3. Do not ever initiate the Define The Relationship (DTR) talk. Let HER do that too. If you do it, you will look demanding and needy.

4. Remember that now is the time to build attraction. Comfort will come later.

5. Escalate physically. Push the boundaries of her comfort level, but not too hard. Apply gentle pressure, more aggressive pressure if she responds.

6. Limit investment, especially TIME. You don’t need to see her or talk to her each and every day. Your time is important, and you don’t need to spend every spare minute with her. Slowly increase your investment, but only after she has increased hers. Besides, in the early days of the relationship, if you make a heavy time investment one of several things could happen.

a. you’ll speed up the rate at which someone will make a demand of exclusivity and commitment.

b. you’ll wear out your welcome.

c. you’ll accelerate the rate at which one or both of your settle into boring routine. This distorts
and dampens the excitement and newness.

d. (most likely) you’ll look needy and clingy. This spells early death for the budding relationship.


43 Comments on “GuestPost: Deti- New Girls”

  1. John Apostate says:

    a) rearended is funny enough.
    b) perfect timing, deti. I’m one moment of weakness away from a relationship with a bartender at my local. Normally- ugh. She’s a 4 at best, but its been 16 years. Thanks for reminding me of the basics.

    Ps, drunk as cuss. Self medicating for a work injury. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

  2. Spacetraveller says:

    Danny,

    Sorry to hear you were in an accident. Speedy recovery to you!

    FWIW, may I disgaree with point number 3 of Deti’s advice?

    A woman should NOT be the one to define the velocity of a budding relationship. If the man doesn’t do it, she can make her decision as to whether she wants to be with him.

    If he does, then she has a decision from him as to whether they go forward, or go their separate ways.

    This is a man’s realm, I’m afraid. If a woman takes on that role, it’s not a good thing. It is the start of the slippery slope to contempt/disatisfaction/I’m not haaappy.

    This is a direct consequence of men being the Gateway to Commitment. He must lead the relationship – from the start.
    She can steer him indirectly (Girl Game for the win, hey), but if words must be had, they MUST come from him – unprompted, unsollicited by her.

    I believe that is the correct way.

    • Vicomte says:

      I’m with Space.

      A girl will only take action when all lesser measures have been exhausted. If it ‘looks’ needy or demanding, she’s not into you, brah.

      • deti says:

        vicomte:

        I would have to disagree with you on this one. I’m a relationship kind of guy. yet every time I ever initiated the DTR talk, I crashed and burned. But, then again, I never let it consist of “I don’t want you fucking other guys”, which is really what a “relationship” is to a man: He’s the only one who sexes the girl he’s dating/seeing/living with/married to.

        If a guy MUST initiate the DTR, make it simple: “I don’t want you fucking other guys.” And leave it at that. And if he must initiate the DTR, ONLY do so AFTER you’ve had sex.

        But listen. If he tells her essentially that he wants her all to himself sexually, AND he’s doing this pretty early in the relationship,she’s likely to respond in one of the following ways:

        a. “What makes you think I’m fucking other guys? You think I’m a slut!”

        b. “You’re needy and clingy, demanding to know what I do and who I do it with and where I go and who I go with!”

        Nope. DTR talk is too dangerous for him to bring up if we’re early on. The man initiating the DTR is going to make him look needy and supplicating and overly emotional.

    • dannyfrom504 says:

      ST and Vic-

      i’m with Deti on this one. the “where is this going” talk is brought up by her, not me. i’ve NEVER brought it up.

      • Vicomte says:

        Depends on what you’re looking for.

        If you’re enjoying bouncing around with a handful of girls, naturally you won’t bring it up.

        If you want just the one girl (and aren’t overly excited about the idea of other guys’ fingers in your pie) be clear about what you want.

        Obviously you don’t bring down the hammer halfway through the first date.

        I fail to see how a request that someone you’re romantically interested in not fuck other people is damaging to one’s interests. TO THE LISTCAVE! (H/T Deti)

        I) Option A: Man Initiates

        Possible Outcomes:
        a. Girl Accepts Parameters
        b. Girl Rejects Parameters

        1. Consequences of Possible Outcomes (PO):

        1a. Girl ceases and desists from all Extracurricular Fuckery(EF).
        1a(i). Low probability of Ignorant Sloppy Seconds(ISS)
        1a(ii). Evidence of Affection (High Value Intel[HVI])
        1a(iii). Warm Fuzzy Feeling(WFF)

        1b. Girl continues to engage in Extracurricular Fuckery(EF).
        1b(i). High Probability of Ignorant Sloppy Seconds(ISS)
        1b(ii).Evidence of Lack of Affection (also High Value Intel[AHVI])
        1b(iii). Opposite of Warm Fuzzy Feeling(OWFF : ( )

        II) Option B: Girl Initiates

        Possible Outcomes:
        a. Man Accepts Parameters
        b. Man Rejects Parameters

        2. Consequences of Possible Outcomes (PO)*:

        2a. Girl ceases and desists from all Extracurricular Fuckery(EF).*
        2a(i). See 1a(i,ii i)
        2a(ii). Extended Period of Time in which EF may have taken place.(EPOT-EF)
        2a(iii). Derogatory Power Imbalance in Relationship Leadership(DPI-RL)

        2b. Girl continues to engage in Extracurricular Fuckery(EF).*
        2b(i) Join the Navy, Start a Blog, Give No Fucks(JNSB-GNF)

        *Consequences are calculated from perspective of Man

        As you can clearly see from the above list, Option A is clearly superior to Option B, as it offers all of the benefits of Option B with none of the detriments, such as loss of intelligence and time. Also, with Option A there is no chance of being Danny.

        (Author’s Note: What started out as a lighthearted list joke at deti’s expense turned into a serious headache.)

      • Vicomte says:

        I’m though givin’ advice, I just give concerns.
        Sterilize my hands to prevent catchin’ the germs
        And try to rebuild all the bridges I burned

        -Canibus

        No thank you Sir. I much prefer my position of Local Color.

  3. Perseus says:

    Wanted to share a story with you as you recover from your accident. Last weekend I was with a girl who I have been on and off again with over the years. We went out to lunch and as we were walking into the joint I didn’t hold the door open for her. She proceeded to give me a little bit of shit for it which I blew off.

    Later we were watching a movie on her couch when she sighs and says she doesn’t know if I am the type of person she wants to be with and as an example she cites me not holding the door open. Being the rational young man that I am I felt an affront to my honor and started to defend myself. Then it dawned on me, despite this being a wonderful down to earth Midwest girl that I had known for years, she was shit testing me. I immediately thought what would Danny and Roissy do? So I agreed and amplified. Told her how terrible a person I was and how we should never be together because I have no manners. 15 minutes later we were fucking.

    Just wanted to share that with you. You’re one of the few bloggers who consistently gives game advice and I really appreciate it. Frankly, I am tired of the vast majority of the “manosphere” writing about how all women are evil and men are such victims. The truth of the matter is 90% of the populace sucks ass anyways, men and women. So why don’t we all just move on? That’s the end of my mini-rant with my ultimate message being this: Thanks.

    • dannyfrom504 says:

      Well played dude, and yes……she WAS shit testing you.

      I appreciate you taking the time to comment. And thanks for reading Hermano.

      Stay up.

      Sent from my iPhone

  4. RojoC says:

    Random questions for Deti (I figure this is as good of a place as any to ask it).

    What is the meaning of your name–does it have anything to do with the Russian plural word for “children?”

    • dannyfrom504 says:

      OOOOPS!!!! Time to grab some popcorn.

      Sent from my iPhone

    • deti says:

      Rojo:

      I came into the manosphere with a purely made-up gibberish handle of detinennui32. Many responders and bloggers when talking to, responding to or referring to me shortened it to deti. Since it was easier to type and remember, I shortened it too.

      neither detinennui32 nor deti mean anything. They’re just completely made-up words.

      • RojoC says:

        Thanks. It just happens that “deti” means “children” in Russian and it just made me wonder. That’s all.

  5. Vicomte says:

    Dare,

    If we had an archetypal list of behaviors and characteristics around these parts, (and we do), you’d tick pretty much every box.

    It also means you’d probably be a pretty good bartender.

  6. […] GuestPost: Deti- New Girls […]

  7. earl says:

    Speedy recovery Danny.

    And just something to throw out there based off what I found out. I’m going to a chiropractor because my back naturally was a train wreck…ever since I got regular treatment I’m back to my 18 year old self physically. I found out from my chriopractor a lot of problems that occur with the body have to do with car accidents not being treated such as whiplash and whatnot. Once you are healed up you may look into a chiro so that subtle problems don’t become worse.

  8. earl says:

    “2. Resist the temptation to analyze.”

    My beta days 101. Now I spend my time analyzing important stuff, hypotheticals…like how I would kill a bear or how I would solve a hostage negotation.

  9. Feel better, Danny!

    And good post, Deti. Agree with every single point.

  10. sunshinemary says:

    I’m glad you’re okay, Danny! I hope your shoulder and neck feel better soon.

  11. M3 says:

    The “R” on your gear shifter does not stand for ‘ROLL OUT’…

    get better buttercup!

  12. deti says:

    danny!

    sorry you got in a car accident. Speedy recovery, my man.

  13. stevie tellatruth says:

    I once had a girl who was a solid 8 chase me for about a year but since I was seeing another chick at the time, I ignored her. Yet after we started going out I inexplicably asked her ‘so where is this headed?’ Of course she ended up shutting me down.

    So, yup, Deti is right about this one.

    PS….get well soon D504.

  14. Vicomte says:

    Deti:

    I don’t disagree in principle, but we’re approaching from different angles.

    Your approach is more concerned with getting the girl; mine is more concerned with finding out if the girl is worth getting.

    Will having some sort of ‘relationship talk’ possibly make you seem ‘needy’ or ‘overly serious’ and cause some (if not most) girls to bail? Naturally, but is the girl worth your time if you’re only interested in her and she’s still interested in strange cock?

    A girl that can’t or won’t agree to be exclusive is a girl that wants to fuck other guys, which is fair enough, but why waste your time on her when you have better options?

    What does one have to lose aside from a lukewarm girl and time and energy?

    Worst case scenario you dodged a bullet.

    Best case scenario you end up with the girl that bent over for another guy while she was deciding whether or not you rate her loyalty.

    But I’m more Kantian than Machiavellian with my game. Apply the knowledge as you will. Different strokes, and all that.

    • deti says:

      Vicomte:

      Agreed with your points, as far as they go.

      If what you’re doing is to test the girl to see if she’s worth keeping (rather than getting), I’m good with your approach.

      Maybe the way to approach is not “where is this relationship going” but “I don’t want you having sex with other guys”. And you only have this talk after sex happens and only if you decide you want to be exclusive and you gauge the time is right.

  15. Richard Cranium says:

    #6 is bang on. I see so many guys just spend hours and hours tied up with chicks.

    My new guitar player is like this he spends practically every waking moment texting a couple of chicks. I literally have to tell him to put the phone away when we’re setting up or working on some new songs. He’s young still hopefully he’ll learn.

    I have the worst game in the world and even I know not to come off as so needy and available. Nothing wrong with taking a while to get back to her just go “Hey busy right now let me get back to you.”

  16. […] Deti’s advice on new girls. […]

  17. resrieg says:

    “Maybe the way to approach is not ‘where is this relationship going’ but ‘I don’t want you having sex with other guys’. And you only have this talk after sex happens and only if you decide you want to be exclusive and you gauge the time is right.”

    So does this mean that a girl’s chances of locking a guy down for a relationship are pretty low if she’s trying to hold off sex until after you’ve established that you’re going to be exclusive AND she doesn’t bring up the talk herself?


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