Nuking at Sea

back on my ship in japan, we had a reservist OB/GYN nurse practioner come on board to go underway with us for 2 weeks.

two.weeks.

during that time she had my guys (i was sick-call supervisor at the time) doing all sorts of outlandish shit: making posters regarding “female health issues” a primary backdrop. i DID.NOT.like her. look, being at sea (as much as i liked it) can be relatively stressful. you typically work 6 days a week for around 12-16 hours a day. it requires manual labor, bad food, less than favorable living conditions, and sometimes- sea-sickness.

to have some fucking reservist come on board and fuck with our routine (and make extra work for my guys) pissed me off to no end. well one day, cuntessa decided to have have an inservice with all my guys to learn how we educate the crew on STD’s and birth control. everyone was staring at me. i nodded to give my approval to answer and the guys started chiming in with the various forms of birth control. she scrutinized EACH.ONE.

so….i order to take the pressure off my guys i said, “early withdrawl”. a few of my guys stiffled a giggle- they knew where this was going. the commander looked at me and informed me that EW is NOT a garaunteed method to prevent pregnancy. i replied-

“i’m 32 years old, don’t have any kids and i blast girls on the stomach and back when i’m done.”

the laughter could NOT be with-held at this one. my 3 girls hid their faces and my E6 turned around so he could laugh. she then followed with, “well it most certainly won’t prevent HIV, herpes, or gential warts.” i smiled and said, “what am i gonna do get them again?”

laughter erupted and the commander walked out.

my boy duran ran across the room and tackled me, “i fucking love you dude.” about 5 minutes later my medical offficer (a Captain) walked in, closed the door, and began pacing. finally he stopped and said, “i’m 32 years old, don’t have any kids and i blast girls on the stomach and back when i’m done. now WHO in this room would have said that. i can’t even begin to imagine.”

i had been on the ship over 2 years by this point- i was a tad salty. my medical officer turned and looked right at me. “i REALLY, truly, wonder.” i replied, ” sir, we do this 7 days a week, for hours a day…what is she really gonna teach us. she needs to stick to the posh food in the ward room and her comfy state-room and leave us alone, we have enough work to do.” my medical officer shot back, “oh well she no loger wants to be involved with you guys anymore. she made that clear.” i jumped off the exam table, “ok, then my work here is done. i’ll be in the ward watching tv.”

it was after normal work hours and we all lounged around the ward playing xbox and watching movies. this was OUR time, which is what pissed me off about the “training” even more. my guys talked about the “blasting girls” line for the rest of my time on the boat. it became one of the best sea stories ever. i once had someone call me out for not doing it and my girl janiea schooled him, “you obviously don’t know this man. and i was there- he sure as hell did say it.”

my medical officer was cool as shit. that incident was talked about for a while. while on a port visit i ran into my MO and senior chief having a beer. i sat down and we started BS’ing. the incident came up jokingly and i said, “you know. that crew (the ship’s crew) is MINE. they ask to see me by name, she was only going to be there for 2 weeks, i need to take care of those guys for another year. if i lose their trust by letting some non-rate reservist fuck with them, what do you think will happen?” my HMCS nodded and i said, “she’s serves 2 weeks a year, i do this shit for a living. besides, the crew hates her any way.” lol. “and if the other HM don’t see that i’mma look out for them- YOUR life is gonna suck. i need to keep them motivated and their morale high.”

i really wouldn’t have cared had she shown any interest in men’s health issues as well, but she was all woman’s health. well guess what: women only accounted for 15% of the 1200 man crew. i get it, she specializes in OB/GYN….

still- fuck her. she got what she deserved and WE got what we wanted- to left the fuck alone.

stay up.


9 Comments on “Nuking at Sea”

  1. Ton says:

    I never in 24 years rendered any kind of honorfic to a female officer. No salute, no “mam” no nothing. Hell rarely sulted officers who weren’t gunts

  2. Senior Beta says:

    One of your best sea stories ever. But what is this shit about getting sea sick? A salty sailor like you? ROTC mids maybe after a night of non stop drinking. But an HM1? Hard to believe.

  3. ARoss says:

    Is it bad that one of the things on my bucket list is to reverse ink-blot test a black girls face?

  4. sunshinemary says:

    Oh my goodness, though it was salty, this story was hilarious. I just read it to my husband and he is laughing too. 🙂


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