Guest post: Advice For College MenPosted: July 4, 2013 | |
a bit of advice from Deti.
Advice For College Men
I went to college in the late 1980s. I want to offer a bit of advice for men in college or going to college on dating and sex.
This advice is geared toward men leaving home and going to live on or near the campus at which they’ll be attending classes. It’s also geared toward young men in their late teens and early 20s.
1. You need to be aware that generally, the gender breakdown is 60% women to 40% men. This isn’t necessarily good. It doesn’t mean more women for you men; it means fewer men for the women. This means more women competing for the top 10 to 20% of the men. Odds are, you aren’t one of those top men. If you aren’t, keep reading.
2. Remember: You’re there to study, improve yourself, and be the best man you can be. Use this time to get better and improve your status. You’re not there to score women. Scoring women is a healthy diversion; not the be all and end all of your existence at college (or anywhere else for that matter).
3. You MUST be on guard against oneitis. You MUST not let one woman monopolize you or your attentions. When a girl breaks up with you (not if, WHEN), you must be in a position to let her go and move on.
4. You MUST look out for your own self interests. No one else will do this for you. You are fooling yourself if you think your friends, their friends, your girl, and everyone else around you is acting altruistically. They’re not. They’re looking out for number one. You should too.
5. Get in with a good group of male friends. Don’t ditch them when you get with a girl. Your friends, not your girl, should be your sounding boards, your confidants, and the ones who have your back. If you need to unload, do it with your friends, not with your girl. If you need to bitch and complain, do it to your friends, not to your girl.
6. Do not hang around girls or groups of girls you’re not dating or trying to date.
7. You need to understand: When a girl breaks up with you, she is essentially sending you the message: “I think I can do better than you.” Most of the time it’s nothing personal.
8. If you cannot get girls’ interest, something is wrong. With you. Usually it’s one of the following:
You’re doing nothing to distinguish yourself from other men around you. You need to change your manner of dress, your attitude, your style, or your visibility with and to others.
You lack confidence in yourself. You’re visibly uncomfortable in your own skin.
You don’t act in a dominant fashion. You let everyone else lead you around.
You’re shooting too high for girls out of your league.
You’re orbiting other girls.
You’re physically unattractive. You’re fat, you’re out of shape, you don’t dress well, you have a crappy haircut, your hygiene is terrible, or something else is wrong. See if you can get someone to help you with it.
You’re hanging out in the wrong venues.
9. If you can get girls’ interest but you can’t hold their interest, something is wrong. With you. You need to find out what it is. Usually it’s that your attraction traits are not authentic and the girls are seeing “the real you” a few days or weeks after you meet them.
Relationships: Don’t get serious with a girl unless you are firmly in control of the relationship and it takes place in your frame. You set the tone and the agenda. End a relationship the moment it ceases to serve your interests. Do her a favor and cut her loose if you really aren’t all that into her or if that relationship just isn’t working. You do NOT need to see or talk to her every single day. You are not married. You do not owe her an explanation of your entire life or existence, nor does she owe that to you. If you’re considering marriage at some point, that’s fine – as long as you are ready to take on leading her and you’re aware of all the risks. If you’re not ready to lead her, DO NOT GET MARRIED. If you don’t want the risks, DO NOT GET MARRIED.