ITLR- The Emotional TamponPosted: July 19, 2013
a reader asked a great question in yesterdays post. h/t to Rowan.
“…Reminded me a lot of a situation I find myself in now. I gotta ask man, what’s your opinion on women with boyfriends? I’ve been going out a lot lately and the last two females who’ve been interested in me have been attached.
If you really like the girl do you go for what you want, or do you just find someone who’s available?”
i think at some point EVERY guy has been faced with this situation. myself included. it’s a very simple answer and i can’t even really fault girls for doing this. i have no doubt they do it subconsciously. the answer is very basic, so i’ll start there.
a woman that has a bf (not husband….BF), will usually keep a few BO around. they will flirt with these men lightly, but will NEVER take past anything but the playful side. said men provide her with an invaluable tool: male perspective. the SECOND she has a tiff, or an issue with her bf, she’s running right to the BO to gain some fresh perspective or some “safe” male attention as most beta’s will tell her what a jerk he is and how she deserves to be treated better blah blah blah. they MIGHT ask a gf, but the gf will just take girls side. a woman knows another woman telling her the truth will be seen a heartless bitch, who just wants her relationship ruined.
but a MAN, a man that’s “been there” for her. who she’s kept at arm’s length with flirtation and being his “friend” is just what the doctor ordered. now, i don’t want to turn this into “bad beta behavior” horseshit. i think, by and large the human animal is genuinely caring and wants to be helpful. and thats fine. BUT, once you know you have feelings for a girl with a dude. OR a girl with a bf get’s a little too flirty with you and gives the semblance of attraction but makes it clear she’s “with someone”, you my friend are being set up as her emotional tampon.
now, how do I handle this: firstly, i’m ALWAYS cool to the girl regardless. no point in being a dick and spouting off how she needs to give her attention to her bf and she’s not gonna use you, blah blah blah. that’s weak sauce. NEVER let a woman bring out any negative emotion on your part. consider this a Danny maxim-
the angrier she gets, the calmer i get.
nothing drives the hamster wild than having a dude REFUSE to accept her negative energy. if she cannot and will not discuss it calmly (my frame), we’ll discuss when she’s got a clearer head. again, DON’T be a dick. just be calm and rational. if you take an asshole calm attitude, you lose. then she can justifiably lash out at you and hold the fight against you. she discusses it YOUR way (calmly) or it get’s resolved later.
now, this takes 2 separate choices. the beta and the alpha choice.
this situation takes a turn for the beta when she KNOWS you have feelings and you keep giving her the time and attention she needs. i’m not saying you can’t be friends. but when she comes to you for relationship advice and you like her (especially if she KNOWS you like her), kindly tell her you don’t feel comfortable giving her “that kind” of advice. tbh, if i like a girl and she turns me down or i find out she has a bf, i walk. i just don’t want to be put in a place where i become her relationship therapist guru. if you want to remain friends and want to give her advice despite liking her: hey, that’s on you. just realize it’s not going to get you any closer to you seeing her nakie. and let’s be honest, once she classifies you as “a great guy”. you are dead in the water on the physical front.
the “alpha” move isn’t anything more than realizing she has a dude, and walking away. once she’s available, and you escalate, is she’s into you cool. if she’s not, that’s cool too. move forward and continue on your path to awesomeness.
am i friends with women: of course. am i friends with women with SO or bf: totally. BUT…..i have ZERO attraction to these women with bf’s. do i give them advice? hell yeah, they’re my friends. why wouldn’t i? lol.
so the answer to Rowan’s question is simple. if you’re “friends” with a girl and she’s being flirty and gives signs of being “into you” despite having a bf. you can-
A: be her friend.
B: politely decline her invites to meet up.
C: realize if she ALREADY has a bf, and seems interested in you and wants to hang out with you, ask yourself- IF you end up with this girl, can you really trust her when she says she’s out with a guy she claims is “just a friend”?
i’ll let Biz summize.
just last night, i was working with one of the more attractive women in my department. EVERYONE knows her and and hits on her. well, she married. she’s cool as shit. she’s one of the girls i spend most of my day teasing and making fun of. she LOVES it btw. i’d give the shirt off my back for this girl- seriously. and she’d do the same for me.
well we’re at work and this guy comes up and starts talking to her.
and talking. add 5 more these: “and talking” lines and we’d BE close to how long he kept chomping at the bit. she was polite and accommodating and even went so far as to mentioning “her husband” several times. didn’t phase dude; he just kept at it. he walked away and i told her.
“it’s like i’m working with So-So again. all i heard from that guy was,”want some dick? want some dick? want some dick?” she burst into laughter and said, “i even mentioned my damn husband.”
don’t be that guy.