ITLR- The Emotional Tampon

a reader asked a great question in yesterdays post. h/t to Rowan.

…Reminded me a lot of a situation I find myself in now. I gotta ask man, what’s your opinion on women with boyfriends? I’ve been going out a lot lately and the last two females who’ve been interested in me have been attached.

If you really like the girl do you go for what you want, or do you just find someone who’s available?

i think at some point EVERY guy has been faced with this situation. myself included. it’s a very simple answer and i can’t even really fault girls for doing this. i have no doubt they do it subconsciously. the answer is very basic, so i’ll start there.

a woman that has a bf (not husband….BF), will usually keep a few BO around. they will flirt with these men lightly, but will NEVER take past anything but the playful side. said men provide her with an invaluable tool: male perspective. the SECOND she has a tiff, or an issue with her bf, she’s running right to the BO to gain some fresh perspective or some “safe” male attention as most beta’s will tell her what a jerk he is and how she deserves to be treated better blah blah blah. they MIGHT ask a gf, but the gf will just take girls side. a woman knows another woman telling her the truth will be seen a heartless bitch, who just wants her relationship ruined.

but a MAN, a man that’s “been there” for her. who she’s kept at arm’s length with flirtation and being his “friend” is just what the doctor ordered. now, i don’t want to turn this into “bad beta behavior” horseshit. i think, by and large the human animal is genuinely caring and wants to be helpful. and thats fine. BUT, once you know you have feelings for a girl with a dude. OR a girl with a bf get’s a little too flirty with you and gives the semblance of attraction but makes it clear she’s “with someone”, you my friend are being set up as her emotional tampon.

now, how do I handle this: firstly, i’m ALWAYS cool to the girl regardless. no point in being a dick and spouting off how she needs to give her attention to her bf and she’s not gonna use you, blah blah blah. that’s weak sauce. NEVER let a woman bring out any negative emotion on your part. consider this a Danny maxim-

the angrier she gets, the calmer i get.

nothing drives the hamster wild than having a dude REFUSE to accept her negative energy. if she cannot and will not discuss it calmly (my frame), we’ll discuss when she’s got a clearer head. again, DON’T be a dick. just be calm and rational. if you take an asshole calm attitude, you lose. then she can justifiably lash out at you and hold the fight against you. she discusses it YOUR way (calmly) or it get’s resolved later.

now, this takes 2 separate choices. the beta and the alpha choice.

this situation takes a turn for the beta when she KNOWS you have feelings and you keep giving her the time and attention she needs. i’m not saying you can’t be friends. but when she comes to you for relationship advice and you like her (especially if she KNOWS you like her), kindly tell her you don’t feel comfortable giving her “that kind” of advice. tbh, if i like a girl and she turns me down or i find out she has a bf, i walk. i just don’t want to be put in a place where i become her relationship therapist guru. if you want to remain friends and want to give her advice despite liking her: hey, that’s on you. just realize it’s not going to get you any closer to you seeing her nakie. and let’s be honest, once she classifies you as “a great guy”. you are dead in the water on the physical front.


the “alpha” move isn’t anything more than realizing she has a dude, and walking away. once she’s available, and you escalate, is she’s into you cool. if she’s not, that’s cool too. move forward and continue on your path to awesomeness.

am i friends with women: of course. am i friends with women with SO or bf: totally. BUT…..i have ZERO attraction to these women with bf’s. do i give them advice? hell yeah, they’re my friends. why wouldn’t i? lol.

so the answer to Rowan’s question is simple. if you’re “friends” with a girl and she’s being flirty and gives signs of being “into you” despite having a bf. you can-

A: be her friend.

B: politely decline her invites to meet up.

C: realize if she ALREADY has a bf, and seems interested in you and wants to hang out with you, ask yourself- IF you end up with this girl, can you really trust her when she says she’s out with a guy she claims is “just a friend”?

i’ll let Biz summize.

just last night, i was working with one of the more attractive women in my department. EVERYONE knows her and and hits on her. well, she married. she’s cool as shit. she’s one of the girls i spend most of my day teasing and making fun of. she LOVES it btw. i’d give the shirt off my back for this girl- seriously. and she’d do the same for me.

well we’re at work and this guy comes up and starts talking to her.

and talking.

and talking.

and talking. add 5 more these: “and talking” lines and we’d BE close to how long he kept chomping at the bit. she was polite and accommodating and even went so far as to mentioning “her husband” several times. didn’t phase dude; he just kept at it. he walked away and i told her.

“it’s like i’m working with So-So again. all i heard from that guy was,”want some dick? want some dick? want some dick?” she burst into laughter and said, “i even mentioned my damn husband.”

don’t be that guy.

stay up.

24 Comments on “ITLR- The Emotional Tampon”

  1. Mark From 423 says:

    It’s fun to flirt with women who are attached… but don’t be their GWP. I have called several of them out on this and it leaves them dumbfounded. A female can be all flirty and whatnot… and even be dropping the innuendo… but as soon as they start talking about their bf… or going into detail about their ex… or prattling on about any other guys, for that matter… I drop this on them. “You’re just looking for a GWP, aren’t you?” They say, “Huh?” I pause for several beats. “A girlfriend with a penis.” You just want to hang out, let me buy you lunch or dinner or drinks and talk to me about other guys. I’m out.” It’s a great reverse shit test.

    • dannyfrom504 says:

      If a guy wants to be a friend with a woman, that’s on him. The dynamic changes when you are attracted to her and she knows it and uses you as a “GWP” ( never heard that one before).

      Then, you’re being used.

    • Rowan says:

      Totally on board with that Mark. The only girls I hang out with semi-regularly are my friends girlfriends, and I am not the kind of guy to move in one of my friend’s girls.

      A long time ago I accidentally ended up being the shoulder to cry on with one of my friend’s girlfriends. It went from her crying into my chest to having her with my lying with her head in my lap, me reassuringly stroking her hair. Two thoughts were running through my mind.

      1) Man this is fucked up!
      2) If I get a boner right now it’s going right into her ear!

      • Rowan says:

        Correction, not the only ones. There are a few other girls who I hang out with but I’m not interested in them. It’s a shame really because personality wise they’re fine, I just don’t have any physical chemistry with them.

  2. Days of Broken Arrows says:

    Ah, but you left out option D: agree to listen to her problems and give her advice so destructive that it ruins her life.

    I once had to put up with a woman who was in this ridiculously abusive relationship with a total asshole thug. My advice? Women are supposed to be submissive, so acquiesce to his every sexual need if you want to keep him around.

    He did such a number on her that when the relationship ended she never dated again. It’s been ten years and she hasn’t had sex since.

    I win.

    • nafri says:

      Aren’t you a cool guy.
      I agree wholeheartedly with Danny’s advice and appreciate he omitted option D. why would you do that to someone who…didn’t do anything to you? At least, that’s not the way I’d like human interaction to work, so stuff like that tends to not happen to me, luckily.

      • Days of Broken Arrows says:

        “why would you do that to someone who…didn’t do anything to you?”

        She didn’t not do anything to me. She called me endlessly and insisted on validation of a relationship I told her at the outset was toxic. She threw a fit then and told me I was being stereotypically masculine and “not listening but trying to solve problems.” So I did what she wanted: I validated everything. EVERYTHING. She was ultimately responsible for her own decisions and would have done what she wanted anyway.

        The way I see it is I did everyone a favor. I helped remove her from the dating market so she can’t continue to sleep with bad boys and fleece good guys, which is what she was doing.

        Moral: be careful what you ask for. It might prove your undoing in the end.

      • dannyfrom504 says:

        i’ll step in and say i simply refuse to get involved all together. i’ll only exercise option D if she keeps pestering me about an issue i’ve been clear in stating i don’t wish to participate in.

  3. M3 says:

    When a girl with a bf comes to me, and she wants to talk, I listen. Then I give advise. If they ignore advice and continue speaking about something I already gave advice on, I stop her right away and say I’m not there to listen to her talk about something she’s unwilling to fix.

    I have no time or interest in hearing drama. I offer solutions. I offer them once.

    If you think you can achieve a different result by doing the same shit over and over, you’re insane and I don’t care to speak to you.

    I have no tolerance for ‘talking’ about problems for the sake of talking and making someone feel better. Why would I waste a few hours listening to a woman prattle on about some problem she had with a dude she’s not going to fix, but will continue to sleep with?

    I could use those hours to work out, masterbate or fuck my girl.. Time is money.

    • dannyfrom504 says:

      i can stand behind this. 100%

    • CLG says:

      I will give you guys a scenario that put my limits on this to the test: I had this girl I was blue pill crazy for throughout high school and college (It didn’t stop me from fucking other girls, but a la Great Gatsby, she was my Daisy). Girl became a VS model my Sophmore year of college: she kept telling me that I was the one she wanted to marry, but always had some excuse whenever we were in geographic proximity to flake. Three years ago, she invited me the Wednesday before Halloween, to fly (on my own dime, of course) from Florida to L.A. to go to the Playboy Mansion for the Halloween party, where she wanted to have a threesome with me and a playmate. I had to decline, for three reasons: 1) I was getting tired of being her safety net guy, aka the Beta choice for when she had her fill of Alphas 2) She always seemed to come to me for advice, but never for dick and 3) I found out through a mutual friend that the Playmate was married to a Navy Seal serving on duty in Afghanistan. I’m against married chicks, GF’s of servicemen dying for me and my liberty and fucking women who’s man can kill me 10 different ways with his thumb. Still PB Mansion, Halloween party, epic threesome…

  4. Random Angeleno says:

    The ex tried to talk to me about her boyfriend a couple of years after we divorced: I wasn’t as aware as I am now, but after a couple conversations, I told her that’s what her girlfriends were for and I would not be party to this topic in future conversations. She stopped.

  5. Vicomte says:

    Want some dick?

  6. […] ITLR- The Emotional Tampon […]

  7. dannyfrom504 says:

    i’d like to point out (proudly) that the guys that have all admitted what i’ve stated from the jump. all were polite at first then went to “this is not my fucking responsibility” mode. which i completely agree with. which goes to show you, us men are generally good hearted creatures, but the smart ones refuse to be walked on.

    as a rule: be polite, but after politeness is ignored….it’s open season to put her on blast.

    • TempestTcup says:

      Dang, I’m female & I do the same thing; I’m polite until I realize that she doesn’t want a solution, she just wants to complain. Screw that; who wants to listen to someone complaining.

  8. earl says:

    “NEVER let a woman bring out any negative emotion on your part. consider this a Danny maxim-

    the angrier she gets, the calmer i get.”

    Good advice…unleash your inner Walter Sobchak

    “I’m calmer than you are.”

  9. Rojo says:

    I remember a gal who I had dated for two years, who cheat on me twice (major blue pill at the time) I let it go, but the second time I had enough. I left her right after. A few years later I was banging a gal 5 years her younger, and she was texting me (She was living with the guy she fucked while she was supposed to be with me.). She asked “so would you be willing to be with me” I responded in kind “are you asking if I’m still down to hit it”. Needless to say she gave up at that point. The rest is a romantic pornish short story that I haven’t quite told.

  10. Rowan says:

    I had originally meant that I was going out and meeting girls (they weren’t my friends) who were attached, and it all seemed very casual until they’re significant others weren’t around and they started to either give me a lot of physical or verbal iois.

    Despite that, this thread has provided me with some new insight!

  11. […] dannyfrom504: Red Sauce; ITLR- The Emotional Tampon […]

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s