ITLR: Buying a Gift for a Bro

ladies. LEAVE. thou mayest not partaketh in the following discussion.

are they all gone? good.

a good friend of mine recently had a berfdae. Dude’s very athletic, played Hockey goalie at NCAA level. Very competitive blue collar dude. We hit it off immediately when he first got to the department.

man-rule #26- “the only time it is appropriate to buy a Bro a gift is his birthday. no other occasion warrants a gift beyond a pat on the back, and offering a beer.”

that said let’s face it. buying a gift sucks balls. so, if you decide your bro warrants a b-day gift, then DAMMIT……own that shit. i’ve found the easiest and best gift for a bro involves their preferred football team. let’s be honest, if you claim to be a man and don’t watch football, then go schedule a pap smear, and never come back to my site. lol.

step one- know your buddy’s team. in this case…….


step two- fold it gently for packaging.

see, nice and neat.

see, nice and neat.

step three- place it in a container that says, “dude, we disagree on teams, but i still respect the shit out of you man.” such as….

when i think container for an eagles product, this jumps right out at me.

when i think container for an eagles product, this jumps right out at me.

step four- make it look nice. presentation goes a long way.

never took a single class on present wrapping.

never took a single class on present wrapping.

step five- give a heart felt card of celebration and support. remember, the wrong card can totally fuck up the present. choose wisely, this card is a reflection on how you think of him.

apropos. wouldn't you agree.

apropos. wouldn’t you agree.

step six- tie it all together with encouragement and brotherly love.

the outside of the envelope

the outside of the envelope

body of the card.

body of the card. closing.

….in closing.

touching, to the last.

touching, to the last.

there you have it. now all that’s left is for the 2 of you to pull your dicks out and gingerly helmet tap. class dismissed. and quit stealing my fucking finger paint!!!

stay up.

39 Comments on “ITLR: Buying a Gift for a Bro”

  1. Young Hunter says:

    Hmm, I missed a few of these steps with the last gift I gave. My lesson for the day.

  2. Johnny Caustic says:

    Comment of the month. Not just for your blog, but all 50-odd blogs I read.

  3. The Navy Corpsman says:

    Hmmm.. I would have said, “I totally wiped my DOG’S ASS with this shirt. He got sick immediately.”

    But hey, that’s just a difference of opinion, not unlike the discussion of whether the Eagles suck, or blow.

    The Navy Corpsman

  4. The Navy Corpsman says:


    The Navy Corpsman

    • dannyfrom504 says:

      I shan’t sully my son’s bung. I must own this slight. Brody is a neutral party.

      Now I could have said I wiped a STRAY dogs ass on it and that would have worked.

      But not Brody, he doesn’t deserve that punishment.

  5. The Navy Corpsman says:

    Ok then. Still, you need to get Brody his own shirt, so he isn’t neutral anymore. Dogs need to be completely loyal to the boss.

    In other news, I found a rattler in the horse pasture this morning. Had to walk nearly an hour to find him a better place to live where the stock won’t get bit on the nose. Good thing I picked a place with shade available, because it is now 102 F in SE Colorado. The trees are bribing the dogs to piss on them.

    The joys of dropping out….

    The Navy Corpsman

  6. MadMav says:

    I always give my asshole friends a box of ammo in a Victoria Secret bag!

  7. ARoss says:

    Does that mean I get some Dolphins swag on Cinco de Mayo?

  8. CLG says:

    I would like to quote ESPN when Mel Kiper, Dbag that he is, said “Yeah Eagles fans sing like they are at a soccer match. but we happily let them do that to keep them from stabbing other teams fans in the face when there is a fumble”- Moral of the Story: Fly Eagles, Fly! Second Moral: Given NO’s history, you would think the last thing you’d want to do is tempt luck to shit all over Drew Brees.

    The Pink sac was a nice touch though (no priest-homo)

    • dannyfrom504 says:

      HAHAHAHA!!!!! Don’t be so touchy sweetie.

      Sent from my iPhone

      • CLG says:

        Im just saying…there was a long period where the Saints were worse than the Eagles ever were. you might not want to karmically send your team back there. It’s like fucking your girl’s sister…you might do it anyways, but it’s still not a good idea.

      • blogRot says:

        “…there was a long period where the Saints were worse than the Eagles ever were…”

        missing the point: this is about the *fans*, not the teams.

        True fact- The cantina in Mos Eisley was created when George Lucas saw a video pan of Veterans’ Stadium during a home game. “I’ve never seen such a wretched hive….” George droned on. An unverified rumor is that Greedo was created as an amalgamation of Eagles fans.
        True story- Detroit race riots ended as soon as Eagles fans sat in their stadium seats that following autumn. “We just can’t compete,” Detroit news reported during the erie silence that fell upon the city.
        Scuttlebutt – this is a no-shitter: the KKK is considering folding up their hoods for good after trying, but failing, to show as much hatred for an injured black man face down on the ground (Irving) or the ‘love’ shown to their own quarterback (McNabb). “Ay Dios mio, the Eagles fans even went after Santa Claus! That’s just evil, amigo,” said the last communique from the Grand Wizard.

        -blogRot, who has to loyaly tolerate the Cowboys stinking up his Sunday television year, after year, after year….

        • dannyfrom504 says:

          If you live in Texas and like the cowgirls I can at least respect you. It’s the jizzbag a from Chicago or Southern cal that are fans that I want to coat my fist in AIDS sullied broken glass and punch my way from their asshole to out their mouths.

          But I mean that in a nice way.

          Sent from my iPhone

  9. […] ITLR: Buying a Gift for a Bro  Home  ITLR: Buying a Gift for a Bro […]

  10. RojoC says:

    Can you brophy yourself,,,or can I nominate you for it?

    I actually don’t watch football, but I know how to play it and how the game works.

    • dannyfrom504 says:

      No. Unfortunately. But I do have someone zero’d in.

      Sent from my iPhone

      • RojoC says:

        Today’s post made me chuckle.

        If there is something I need more than game, it’s to learn how to not be serious all the time and how to loosen up. So this was a good example, believe it or not.

  11. Jzb says:

    This was epic. You’ve got an awesome sense of humor.

  12. Richard Cranium says:

    Good stuff. The closer your buddies are the more you have to fuck with them it’s the rule.

  13. Matt says:

    You’re an evil little fuck, aren’t you?

  14. […] sure you guys recall my schooling you on the fine art of buying a buddy a present . well, i should have pointed out that when you tool on a pal, you should should expect retaliation […]

  15. steve says:

    Nah fuck birthdays, my college best friend and I have been randomly sending each other CDs, records, books and shit every so often for like 25 years. Usually xmas, if we bother, or just random. We may skip a few years now and then, but it doesn’t matter. Remembering a dude’s birthday seems kinda queer, if you ask me.

    Bros can give each other shit if its cool; they can figure it out.

    I lolled at your card btw.

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