Nuking a Feminist Reservist Officer

by far, one of my proudest moments in the navy came while at sea when i was stationed in yoko. i was an E5, and by this point i was sick-call supervisor. what this meant was that i ran sick call. sick-call goes down from 0800-1000/30. the sick, lame, and lazy post up and one of my 5-6 other junior HM’s would examine, diagnose, and prescribe meds for the sailors. MY JOB was to answer any questions they had, and to ensure their notes were up to snuff. after sick-call the medical officer (MO), would ensure the paperwork was done properly. NEVER had an issue with my guys or the MO. if we were short on staff, i’d also see pt’s. we good. ok.

well, sometimes we’d have a reservists go underway with us for about 2 weeks. no biggie, they typically are officer’s and would hang out with the MO. well, one reservist was a commander (cdr), and nurse practitioner that specialized in OB/GYN. this woman had my guys doing some absolutely outlandish shit after normal working hours: making poster boards about contraception and STD’s, having my girls remove the douche from the ship store (i admit, the stuff is VERY bad for a girls kitty), and she’d call us all in after our work day for inservice training.

what you have to realize is that when you’re underway as medical- you clean up the department from 0700-0800, do sick call from 0800-1000/30, lunch 1100-1300, departmental work from 1300-whenever the work is done. from that point, we set the watch, the duty crew takes over, and my guys are done to do whatever the hell they want. you DO.NOT. fuck with the junior guys liberty (time off), you want to punish your guys- you give them shit to do during their normal liberty time.

finally, the MO showed up while we were watching movies and told us the cdr wanted to do some training. there was a VERY audible gasp of exasperation and we were told to form up. i went to berthing to fetch 2-3 others. we’re sitting in sick-call and the cdr comes in and wants to ask us what kind of advice we give on contraception. one by one various HM’s rattled off methods, and me, being completely tired of this woman- spoke up.

“early withdrawl”.

a few of my guys chuckled and my LPO lowered his head. the cdr looked at me and said, “well, i can assure you that EW is NOT an 100% effective means to prevent pregnancy. i laughed and told her, “ma’am, i’m 34 years old, i don’t have any kids, and blast girls on their stomachs and backs all the time.”

there was stifled laughter throughout the room. the cdr looked at me sternly and said, “well i can assure you it is NOT an effective form of STD prevention.” i laughed and told her, “what am i gonna do, get herpes and HIV AGAIN?” the guys laughed. she stared at me for a moment and walked out the room. my boy duran ran across the room and tackle hugged me. “I FUCKIN’ LOVE YOU DUDE.” my girl cheryl (i’ve posted pics of her here before) held her hand over her mouth and was laughing.

after about 5 minutes our MO walked in and closed the door. he paced for a few moments before saying, ” ‘i’m 34 years old, i don’t have any kids, and i blast girls on their stomachs and backs all the time.’ who in this room could possibly come up with this statement?” finally he looked right at me. “why HM2, just why?”, he asked. i replied, “what- it’s basically true, i mean except the herpes and HIV part. look, we know our jobs, and i’m sick of that woman coming on our boat and giving my guys extra work. she’s here 2 weeks, we LIVE here. let her hang out with you or enjoy her fine dining in the officer mess.” my MO answered, “oh no, she has no interest in interacting with corps staff any longer.” i jumped up from the exam table and said, “good, my work here is done, i’ll be in the ward watching tv.”

she never bothered us for the rest of her time on the boat.

and now for a special treat…..SCENTED CANDLE FAGGOTRY!!!!!

the new theme song for this bit.

yankee candle FINALLY got on board with the whole woodwick thing. the woodwick rocks a fat ass. there were a few different candles and i finally went with emberside. it smells like a nice camp fire. i picture myself a lone cowboy on the range, rolling a cigarette, playing a harmonica and leaning against my saddle bags as i wait for my dinner to cook and the sun sets. but the reality is i’m actually typing this in a pink taffata robe, sipping a cup-o-soup for one. kill me.

it smells FABULOOOOUS

it smells FABULOOOOUS

and now a word from our sponsor….

stay up.


4 Comments on “Nuking a Feminist Reservist Officer”

  1. Senior Beta says:

    HM1 as a former reserve staff officer I should object to this insubordination. But this is the second time you posted this and I think I laughed harder this time. Will be required reading at my 40 year carrier reunion this weekend. Good job.

  2. theshido says:

    Swear I’ve read this before… Doesn’t matter, still fuckin’ funny.

  3. Ha, nice man. But I was under the impression ‘insubordination’ like that would get you rocked out?


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