Reader Email: Valentine Inquiry

had an email from a young man today where he asks-

“i was thinking of giving my gf flowers and bringing to her in class. is that beta?”

no, it’s not wait….is she in junior high? beta.

it’s NEOMAXIZOOMBETA beta. it’s beta to the power of infinity and adding 10000000.

now, let’s be clear here: i’m not against giving the lady a valentines day gift. and i’m not against having floweres sent to the gf; last gf i had i actually sent her floweres at work. i just didn’t hand deliver them. i mean let’s face it- valentine’s day is a woman’s holiday. the only time i’ve experienced otherwise is when i lived in italy where they have a valentine’s day specifically for womne, and one for men. i believe it was in march or may, it’s been a while.

there are some that would say getting your girl a gift is a beta move. for the record, i don’t. but showing up at her work or class to hand deliver is white knight douchebaggery- unless you’re married. i don’t really have the married dude rule book.

you may be wondering what i consider decent gifts.

flowers are fucking dull. there is NOTHING original about flowers. but i have found a few gifts that have been MAJOR tingle generators. i’m not linking them, but throw the name into google and you’ll find it.

build a bear- have yet to get a girl a build a bear and not have her lose her shit. girls i dated LONG ago have confessed they still have “Danny”. i name the thing after me and get a pair of glasses to slap on it (they have tons of accessories). original and not too expoensive. this is definately for a gf you’ve been with for a minute.

shari’s berries- you can’t go wrong when you get a woman chocalate covered straberries. flowers are dull and they die. but if you’re dating a food slut, these things are off the chain. this used to be my go to gift for a woman. which brings us to……

SCENTED CANDLE FAGGOTRY!!!!!!!!!!

diamond candle- a scented candle AND a piece of jewelry. winner winner chicken dinner. even if she ends up with a $10 ring, her hamster will go ape shit to get that thing lit and retrieve her shitty ring. you sit back and soak up the rewards. ooooooh.yeeeeeeah.

and last but not least-

my dick- seriously, whatever i get her the real treat is when i gun her down at the end of the estrogen laden valentine’s day. after she’d spent the day gloating to her gf’s (and let’s face it, that’s all that REALLY matters to women on v-day) over what you got her, it’s time to gun her down like a champ.

none of what i mentioned above will cost you over $60 (build a bear can if you go nuts with the accessories) and will make her cream herself like it’s cool. so sit back, use the interwebz, and be excellent.

stay up.