ITLR: The Asshole Nuke

have a seat guys and grab a beer. i’m seriously amazed at how my life provides me with writing material.

i live in a pretty chill neighborhood. for the most part we all get along. we avoid the redneck meth-head on the corner and the guy next door to me on the corner. we were cool at first, but he started having his visitors parking in front of my house. came home from school one night and there were 4-5 cars lined up and douche was having a party. i walked next door to speak to him and asked him to not have his friends park in front of my house. his reply…

“it’s public property.”

i stared at him and parroted, “public property. PUBLIC PROPERTY???!!! ok. PUBLIC PROPERTY.” i walked off and he went back inside. i was completely taken aback. back in jax the neighborhood was a community. this guy is the exact opposite. so i did what any self-respecting asshole would do for get back.

i parked in front of his house for 2 weeks and chirped the car alarm at least once a night (i was working nights back then).

eventually, he quit parking in front of my house. but then there’s his 2 kids. they used to play in front of the house along the 3 houses along the corner. i didn’t care, I PLAYED on that same stretch of property as a kid. football, i can’t tell you how many football games i’d been bruised and bloodied playing (tackle only. touch is for pussies). so i was cool with it. but soon i got tired of the son kicking a ball against my house and waking me up. i soon told them to stay out of my yard (old man, i know). then i’d come home and the kids would curse at me and talk shit.

yeah, they’re kids, but i’d NEVER speak to an adult that way as a kid. and the fact that dad made the “public property” comment that i just said “fuck it” and told the kids to keep of my “private property”.

the other day i came home from my moms, and the kids were playing in my yard. got out the car, put Brody in the house, walked to my fence and told the kids, “i meant it when i said stay out of my yard.” i saw the kid left a ball on my property. i took my pocket knife and said, “my yard, my ball”, and popped the ball. dad came out and told me not to talk to his kids like that.

strap yourselves in, we’re about to hit turbulence.

i simply told the dad (zane) that i told his kids to keep of my “private property” since they were in the habit of waking me up while i was trying to sleep. he raised his voice, took 2-3 steps towards me and i hit the red. i threw off my glasses and chain and told him to to PLEASE come at me. he stopped (which told me everything i needed to know), and stared at me for a second.

i told him, “i swear to God please swing, because i’m stupid. i’ll go to jail if it means i get to pound on you. and i’ll be out of lock-up in less than 2 hours with bail waived. you have no idea who my family is (and yes, they are VERY well connected in the city. i have a a lawyer on 24-7 retainer). and honestly, i haven’t been in a fight for a while; not that i LOVE fighting, but this guy needs his ass kicked.

by now his wife came out and i told him, “you have 2 options: come fuck with me and your wife and kids get to see you you get your ass whipped, or go the fuck back into your house.” he turned around and mumbled as he walked off ferrying his family back into the house. i then noticed that a few of the neighbors came outside and watch part of the spectacle.

a few of them cheered me on as i walked back to my door. see….NO ONE likes these people. i don’t know what they did to piss off my neighbors, but they don’t like him. good thing they’re moving in a month. see, out here…men fight. if there’s a disagreement, you take it outside and settle it. i can read people like a champ, and i KNEW this guy was all talk. so i escalated knowing there wouldn’t be an altercation while showing i wasn’t going to put up with his bullshit. plus i have an asshole streak a mile wide if pushed (yeah navy).

theatrics yes. but still a show of force is better than war. I think the art of community is being lost, and that makes me sad. Then again…..

they’re gone in a month and my neighbors are thrilled that he got called out. kind of made me think of this gem…

latah brah.



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